...about school

School is going very well. Three whole days in. Yesterday, my fifth period was looking glum so I stopped talking and said, "Ok, I'm going to tell you the funniest word in the English language. It's hilarious. Guaranteed to make you laugh. You ready?" They kind of nodded back at me. So I very simply said, "poop." And they just laughed. Because it was not what they were expecting me to say. Part of me was thinking, oh yeah, that's exactly what I need them to tell their parents. "Mom, my teacher told us that poop is a funny word today." But then, so what? I was not talking about the object, I was talking about the word and it worked. After I made them laugh, they were a little more participatory. So yay.

...feeling better

I am feeling better today. School also started. It was a good day. But if there is one thing I have learned it is that you can never judge a school year, class or child by the first day of school. The first day is always good because it's brand new. They get sick of it quick. But I'm hopeful. This is going to be a good year, I can feel it. I have so many good ideas for my classes this year. I am so prepared. I stayed after school until five and got everything for the next week ready. I want to really work on facilitating discussions in my classrooms. It's going to take practice, I know but I think it will be good for me and for my students if we are able to have good conversations. F worksheets man. They are good, sparingly. I think you learn more when you talk about it and think about it and analyze it, rather than just answering questions about it. I'm going to start this tomorrow. The first ten minutes will go like this. DOL, which is two sentences to correct and then chat. I'm just going to ask them what they want to talk about, what they want to learn today and see if I can get some good discussion going. From what I've read about other teachers who do this, it takes some practice for sure. The kids are not used to it. And unfortunately, not to be a rude mean person, but one of the English teachers that some of these kids have had for the last two years did not really do anything with them. They watched movies and listened to audiotapes. So, hopefully, I can repair some of the damage this year. I think I am just going to go slow and steady this year and not assume anything. I think we are going to have an awesome year. They say that the first day of class sets the tone. This is the first impression that students form of you. And I think I did a good job. I'm learning. This is my third year and I've learned a lot from the previous two years. I know what NOT to do, that's for sure. Bonus: I went into the neighboring teacher's room after school to say hi like I always do and he's like, "I don't know what you did but all the 9th graders in my seventh period were talking about how Ms. H is te best English teacher ever." I laughed and said, "Well, that's just because we have not started persuasive essays yet. Haha!" Cooper, my little student who used to make up jokes for me when I had bad days, stopped by and said hi today. A lot of kids from last year stopped by and said hi actually. It was a fun day. I'm in a great mood. The new cute gym teacher stopped me in the workroom to chat. Maybe school is what I needed after all.
Tomorrow we lay the adjective game. Yay.

So, yesterday, after my melodramatic, whiny bitch fest I posted, I called my mom to vent. I told her that I just wanted to do nothing and stay in bed all day and she said, "NO, do not do that. Force yourself to do something. Anything. Clean, draw, go somewhere, anything but force yourself to do it." So, I went upstairs and started putting together some of the furniture that has been laying around unacked forever and I ended getting my entire room unacked and set up and it felt so good to accomplish something! Then, my neighbor met me outside and we smoked and I vented and that made me feel even better. Sometimes, I just need to be a brat, I guess.

...Josh Ritter and death

I am in love with the album The Historical Conquest of Josh Ritter. Listen to To the Dogs or Whoever and The Temptation of Adam. Lyrical genius. I have been listening to it for about four days straight. So good.

My greant aunt Mary has been battling breast cancer for a few years now. About a month ago she found out that it had spread to her brain. She lost her battle with the brain cancer last night at about 10:30. I guess lost isn't the right word. I think she won. She fought so long and so hard and I think she deserves the rest. She is dancing in heaven right now. My aunt Mary was an amazing woman. She was very creative and artistic. Every birthday or major holiday, I got a handmade card from her. I remember a time that she brought all her papers and stamps with her and we sat and talked about journaling and art. Then a week later, I got a package in the mail with a bunch of cool papers and scrapbooking stuff. She came to my high school and my college graduation. She organized all the family reunions, made sure everyone kept in touch with each other. She will be so greatly missed. She was very brave and courageous and strong and I will always love her.

Things just don't seem to be getting much better. I'm still feeling sad and anxious so much of the time. It never seems to end. It gets better for a few hours or a few days or a few minutes but the bleakness always comes back. I'm usually such a happy person but I have not been that person recently. I feel disgusting. I feel un-confident and shitty. I feel ugly and gross.

I start school tomorrow. I am feeling completely unprepared. Art class is pretty easy to get ready for. I just come up with projects. But English class is more work and more preparation. Maybe school is exactly what I need. But it's not what I want. I just want to sleep. All the time. And not deal with anything. Ever. Here's a list of things I definitely don't want to deal with anymore:

1. People I love dying.

2. People I love rejecting me.

3. Preparing for school.

4. My ex/best friend who is now my roommate dating other people

5. Dating other people.

6. Being fat and unhealthy.

7. Feeling like crap.

8. Red Lobster.

9. Having a fucked up knee that hurts all the time and needs to be iced every few nights.

10. Finishing unpacking and setting up my house.

11. Setting up my classroom.

12. Constantly always always thinking about drawing but never actually doing it. (Seriously, I think about making art all the time but it usually drives me crazy because it just sits in my head and I don't do anything about it)

13. It being so hot and sweaty.

14. Always feeling like I either want to burst into tears or punch walls. Or both.

Goddammit. I just want to feel normal again. I just want to feel like me. I just want to feel happy and excited about stuff. I want to stop complaining and bitching.

...bike wheels

So, my bike wheels got stolen. And I want to punch the person who took them in the face. They were stolen in the middle of the day three steps from my front door. By someone who left a flyer for a bike race taped to my door. Nice. I took my bike in to a local bike shop downtown to see about new wheels. And apparently, my wheels are not me only problem, my chain and brakes are fucked up also. So, we are looking at over 200 bucks at the minimum to fix a bike worth about 50 bucks. Plus there are other issues with the bike because it's so old, like eventually, I would need a new chain well and the handlebars suck, etc. So, I'm thinking, "dude, 200 bucks is halfway to a brand spanking new bike which will have no problems." So, I look around at the bikes, ask a ton of question about tires and handlebars and the guy lets me take this one bike out for a test ride. Holy crap! I didn't know a bike ride could be so smooth. It was awesome! I didn't realize how bumpy and grindy and jolty my old bike was until I rode this new one. So, yeah, I bought a brand new bike. It's right between a mountain bike and a road bike, so slick tires but wide and sturdy. It's 390 which I didn't have so I made a payment and put it on layaway and should be able to pay the rest by saturday. I'm pretty excited about it. Although, I'm not excited about now having a bike for 6 days. I ride my bike almost everyday because I ride it when I go anywhere downtown. But, yay for new bikes!

I just got back from a week in Bremerton, Washington. It was pretty boring. I finished two new drawings. I'm halfway through the alphabet now. My cousin got married. The preacher gave an impromptu 15 minute sermon in the middle of the vows on how marriage is like paying taxes. My brother and I had a very hard time holding in our laughter. I went to the beach. I bought a fabulous lamp at an antique store. Yep. That was the trip. Wow right. I have some pictures I will post probably tomorrow.

School starts in a few weeks. I'm ambivalent about this. I usually spend July dreading school and not wanting to go back and being distressed by the idea and then August hits and I'm ok. I have made my peace with the passing of summer vacation.

I got my tattoo on my wrist fixed up Aug 1 by the same artist who did my foot. I realized halfway through the session that I'm tattooed out right now. I don't want anymore for a while. I found myself annoyed with the pain. Usually, I kind of like it but not this time. I am over it for a little while. This artist is way cool. I think I'm going back in a few months to get just a shamrock with no swirls or vines on my other foot to kind of match up. And I want to ask him about drawing up a really cool Art Nouveau Mary Magdalene half sleeve for my other arm. I'm thinking a Mary Magdalene set up like this picture that looks kind of like my Medusa tattoo but very curly and pretty and nouveau in just black ink, half surrounded by red flowers, probably lilies.

I finished J and M. They look pretty cool. I'm stuck on N now, so I think I might skip to O for owl. I have started getting some attention for my drawings and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I have always drawn, just for myself, because I like it. Sometimes I give them away as presents but I have never pursued shows or galleries or sales. And now people are starting to ask me about commissions and the gallery in the building I live in wants me to contribute artwork to the next show. It kind of makes me nervous, self conscious kinda.