...Josh Ritter and death

I am in love with the album The Historical Conquest of Josh Ritter. Listen to To the Dogs or Whoever and The Temptation of Adam. Lyrical genius. I have been listening to it for about four days straight. So good.

My greant aunt Mary has been battling breast cancer for a few years now. About a month ago she found out that it had spread to her brain. She lost her battle with the brain cancer last night at about 10:30. I guess lost isn't the right word. I think she won. She fought so long and so hard and I think she deserves the rest. She is dancing in heaven right now. My aunt Mary was an amazing woman. She was very creative and artistic. Every birthday or major holiday, I got a handmade card from her. I remember a time that she brought all her papers and stamps with her and we sat and talked about journaling and art. Then a week later, I got a package in the mail with a bunch of cool papers and scrapbooking stuff. She came to my high school and my college graduation. She organized all the family reunions, made sure everyone kept in touch with each other. She will be so greatly missed. She was very brave and courageous and strong and I will always love her.

Things just don't seem to be getting much better. I'm still feeling sad and anxious so much of the time. It never seems to end. It gets better for a few hours or a few days or a few minutes but the bleakness always comes back. I'm usually such a happy person but I have not been that person recently. I feel disgusting. I feel un-confident and shitty. I feel ugly and gross.

I start school tomorrow. I am feeling completely unprepared. Art class is pretty easy to get ready for. I just come up with projects. But English class is more work and more preparation. Maybe school is exactly what I need. But it's not what I want. I just want to sleep. All the time. And not deal with anything. Ever. Here's a list of things I definitely don't want to deal with anymore:

1. People I love dying.

2. People I love rejecting me.

3. Preparing for school.

4. My ex/best friend who is now my roommate dating other people

5. Dating other people.

6. Being fat and unhealthy.

7. Feeling like crap.

8. Red Lobster.

9. Having a fucked up knee that hurts all the time and needs to be iced every few nights.

10. Finishing unpacking and setting up my house.

11. Setting up my classroom.

12. Constantly always always thinking about drawing but never actually doing it. (Seriously, I think about making art all the time but it usually drives me crazy because it just sits in my head and I don't do anything about it)

13. It being so hot and sweaty.

14. Always feeling like I either want to burst into tears or punch walls. Or both.

Goddammit. I just want to feel normal again. I just want to feel like me. I just want to feel happy and excited about stuff. I want to stop complaining and bitching.