...getting caught up

two months. I keep forgetting that I signed up for a blog. Not that it matters, it's just for me anyway. I've been so busy getting my life back that I haven't stopped to think about it. For the first time, I feel like excited about things. I feel creative and motivated and ok. Taking that stupid pill for the first time was so hard. But I wouldn't go back for anything now. I was reading through old journals and realized something...this has been going on a long time. Clear back to my teen years I have entries that say things like, "I feel so bored with life" "When is something exciting going to happen?" "I never feel like doing anything. I feel stagnant." My language gets more sophisticated as I get older but it basically says the same thing for 10 years. And I feel like I have found an answer. I am not bugging Jason anymore. I am moving on with my life. I am LOVING being a teacher. I am making art. I am hanging out with someone new and amazing. I feel deliciously optimistic and it's such a relief to know what this feels like for what seems to be the first time in my life. I want to do things and see things and make things. I want to get out of bed in the morning. I love my students, even the little shits. I have crappy days still but I deal with them better. I don't find myself getting soo down. I don't get to the point where I can't do anything. I don't freak out and start bawling. I deal with it. My reactions are smoother and smarter. I am not trying to sound like a commercial for antidepressants. They just work for me, as much as I hate to fucking admit it.