...about two weeks

So I took the pill. And I have taken it every day since. And I feel ok. I feel calmer. Less inclined to fly into emotional rages at the slightest provocation. Like Jason bringing girls over to our house to take naked portraits. And honestly, I think the situation with him is one of the main reasons for all this mess in the first place. We have not been together for 4 months but we still live in the same house. He lives downstairs and I live upstairs. He has always insisted that we would be fine being roommates but I have always known better. How am I supposed to get over him when he never goes away. And now, that;s where we are. He's done, ready to date someone else and I'm freaking out about it. I thought I was fine until the possibility actually arose. I realized something the other day though. I was upset and he was hugging me and saying, "My Marlenee," which is what he used to call me. And I had this fear that he was going to say he wanted us to be back together. Fear! That's when I knew, this is right. Not being together is the right thing, it's just going to be hard for a little while. I know we don't work and I know we need to be apart but it would be so much easier if he lived in a different house, if I didn't see him and talk to him everyday, if I didn't see him texting random girls all the time. I told him he HAS to move out or I will go crazy. And he promised that he will as soon as he can afford it. I adore him, I love him, I am attracted to him, I want him, I miss him, I enjoy him....but I need to get over him. And he needs to move out in order for me to do that. That's why these pills are working. Because two weeks ago, I freaked out every time I saw him texting a girl or whenever he would tell me he was going out with a girl, I would start crying and yelling. I even hit him with my sweater once. I was so jealous and upset. And now, because of the pills and because I know, deep down, that this is what's right, I am calmer. More able to just ignore and be patient. I want to meet someone else. I want to go out and date and have fun and live my life and I feel like as long as he is here, I cannot fully do that. We have had a good ride. Two and a half years of ups and downs and craziness and good times. He is my best friend. But he needs to give me time to think of him as "just" a friend.

This weekend was a bust. I got sick on Friday and spent all day Friday and Saturday in bed. I tried to go to work at Red Lobster on Saturday but had to leave when I started blacking out. So, now after hours and hours of rest, I feel so much better. I feel ok. I feel like cleaning and getting ready and doing stuff. I feel like drawing and painting and grading papers and cleaning my car and doing laundry. Life is getting better. I'm feeling better. I don't have to force myself to get out of bed anymore. I feel like I'm going to be ok.