...me versus the medicine

It is sitting here on the table about 4 inches away. Staring me in the face. One little inconspicuous capsule. Hmmm....take this. Don't take this. You don't need this. You need this. You need this help. You have failed at life. You deserve this help. One little pill and I am a doped up, sunnyville, Utah female. Who doesn't hate life anymore. And can sleep at night. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why is this so fucking hard? What's the big fucking deal? Meds. No meds. Who cares? Nobody cares. Nobody will know the difference. Can I just have some opiates instead please? If I'm going to be doped up, I'd rather have the good shit. Let me describe this. No, I can't. It's impossible. It is literally completely IMPOSSIBLE to describe this moment in my life. There are no words that can possible begin to do justice to what is going on right now in my kitchen. It is a fucking war. Armageddon is going down on my kitchen table right now. Ever wondered what the end of the world would look like? It looks like this. A little white oval with a blue stripe and a green stripe and some numbers on it. Except that it is sending out little radioactive waves of communication to my brain that say something to the effect of, "Take me. I'm delicious. I will love you the way no one ever has." I do not have cancer, I am not dying, I do not live in a war-stricken, impoverished third world country...so what is the deal? Seriously? What is wrong with me? Why do I need this? Why can't I just fix it on my own? My doctor said what I have is called recurrent depression and that each time it comes back, it is stronger and gets worse. And she said to think of this, taking meds, as dealing with it, as fixing it. It's not a bad thing, it doesn't mean I'm a loser and a failure. It means that I am being proactive and taking charge of my mental health. It means that I'm not going to let my feelings of despair cripple me and exhaust me and delude me anymore. It means I will be able to hold a conversation without crying. It means I will be able to concentrate during the day and sleep at night. You know, honestly, I admire people who can take these pills and not stress about it. I don't know why I am stressed about it. I don't know why it bothers me. There's no reason for it to. This is to help me. This is not torture or punishment, I went to the doctor of my own free will. I chose to fill the prescription. Why am I being so dramatic about it? I think I need a cigarette. So I can feel guilty about fucking up my lungs and then assuage my guilt by taking charge of my mental health.