...about meds

So I've been having a rough few months. I know it. I can look back through my blogspot entries and see it. I talked to my mom about it. Told her how I have just been feeling shitty and miserable and sad and start crying for no reason. I told her how I try really hard to pull myself out of it by drawing or reading or hanging out with friends or my family or going to shows or the bookstore or on bike rides but how it doesn't really matter. Because no matter what I do, there is this undercurrent of despair. It's always hiding just below the surface, ready to rear its ugly little head at the slightest provocation. Someone pays me a compliment, I tear up. Someone looks at me the wrong way, I tear up. I can't find my favorite black sweater, I tear up. I have been fighting it for months but it's not getting better, it's getting worse. It used to be that I would feel relatively normal for a week to two weeks and then would have a bad day or two but now I'm having a bad day every few days. I can feel the pressure building behind my eyeballs as I fucking write this. My mom told me that depression runs in our family. Her and my sister have to take meds for it. Both her parents had problems with it. Almost all her brothers and sisters have problems with it. I've known this and I have always had bad spells as long as I remember and I have always resisted going to a doctor or even considering medication. Because I felt like taking meds/antidepressants was like admitting that I can't deal with life. But I have never had three months in a row like this. Usually it's like a wave but this is like a wall. It has parked itself in my head and shows no intention of going ANYWHERE anytime soon. I'm tired. No, I
am EXHAUSTED. I'm frustrated. Making myself get out of bed and face the day takes sheer physical effort. I have so much to be thankful for, so much life to love. I have the apartment I've always wanted, I have an amazing family, good friends, I love my job, I'm making art on a daily basis, I have a little bit of money. So why do I feel like I'm drowning? Why do I sometimes feel like it's hard to even breathe? Why does every muscle in my body ache when I haven't been doing anything? Why do I wake up with a pounding head every morning after tossing and turning all night? Last night I went to dinner with my brother and my parents. My mom asked me how I was doing and burst into tears. I can't do this anymore. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I'm admitting it. I can't deal with it. I am weak. I am lost. I am giving in. I don't know if I'm going to agree to meds yet but going to a fucking doctor about it is a really big deal for me.