The test is done! The test is done! The teeeeest is doooonnnnneeeee! That was my written version of bursting into song. I don't know how well we did but at least it's over. I could dance with joy. And my kids really did try their hardest. So I am making them cookies. Which I am technically not supposed to do because I can only give them storebought treats but I will make them and bring them and let the students decide what if they want to eat one or not. But I like making cookies and I like sharing them so I will just make a whole bunch and share them with everyone. I don't know what's going to happen with the stupid standardized writing test but I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Now if only I could get paid because I am brizzoke and that's a weight that's starting to get kind of heavy. But that's three days from now so I will be ok. I will just be buying gas with quarters to get to class Wednesday night. After all that stressing about the test, I don't think there is much that could freak me out right now. I have stacks of grading to do and a review assignment to write and a spelling/grammar unit to plan and a house to clean and I don't mind. I feel so much better now that the test is done. I feel like I can get back to work. Like, ok, I dropped the ball a bit on this year but I will do better. I will fix it. I'm not a total failure. I know I'm a cool teacher but I care more about being a GOOD teacher. And I think I could be. I think I'm learning and I'm getting better every day. I'm not an expert. I have barely survived almost three years. That's nothing in teaching. That's scraping the top. And I'm ok with it. I'm glad to be learning and growing and getting better and trying harder and changing things around and trying new things. It's fun and interesting. And challenging. And a pain in the ass. But worth it. I really care about what I do. It's not just a job to me. I want to do my best. Be my best. I'm truly such a blessed person. I have so much support and love. People who care about me and encourage me and have faith in me. People who trust me. It's intimidating actually but I would not change it for the world. It just makes me want to be a person worthy of that faith and trust and support.
I feel so light today. So new and bright. I have so much to do. So much to accomplish. But I'm not freaking out about it. I will get it. I will make it happen. I am getting better about having that faith and trust in myself.
2.23.2009
...about feeling a little bit better
Two posts in one day, I must be losing my mind. I went to my Color Theory class tonight and I think it was just what I needed. Some peace and quiet, listening to Sigur Ros, painting and drawing. No students, no DWA, no grading. I feel better. And calmer. I talked to my mom on the way to school and Aaron on the way home and I'm cool now. I will give the stupid standaradized test tomorrow, cross my fingers, hope for the best, deal with the consequences and do a better job next year. It will be ok.
J called me tonight to talk about switching my brother's name to the lease. It was kind of awkward. It made me realize just how much better it is that we don't live near each other anymore. We were just so wrong for each other. I care about him, I want him to be happy and do well in life but I do not love him. He wants me to but I don't anymore. I haven't for a while. I have found me again and I'm so happy where I'm at right now. I can't imagine ever going back.
I just can't wait until A comes over tomorrow night. I just want to hold him.
Technically I need to go to the grocery store and do some dishes and get ready for tomorrow. But I think maybe I will just crawl into my cloud bed and go to sleep early.
First, a dream. In this dream, I live on a beach in a little cottage with one room that is an art studio. This cottage has huge windows with lots of natural light. There are white cotton curtains in the windows that blow in the salt breeze. My walls are painted with bright swirls and pretty designs. There are different colored glasses on the windowsills that reflect the light. Saints candles and Marys line the cabinets. In the front room, the walls are covered with bookcases and the table is stacked with art books. There is no TV. The couch is lime green. I have a porch with a swing. And on the porch are the shells and driftwood I have collected from my walks in the sand with my dog. My bed is piled with pillows. My appliances are that weird pink color from the seventies and my counters are tile. I have a claw foot bathtub that is deep enough and long enough for all of me. I never turn on the bright lights because I have paper lamps and strings of fairy lights strung around every room. In my kitchen, I make cookies for my neighbors and dinner for my friends. I have a motley collection of wine glasses and coffee mugs collected from antique stores and we sip on sweet Communion wine or cordials of absinthe or dark, strong coffee. There are sugar cubes in a little glass on the table, next to the mismatched salt and pepper shakers. Folded paper cranes hang from the rafters in the dining room and painted stars from the ones in the bedroom. There are plants in every room and hanging from the ceiling. My house is filled with light and music and art. It smells like chocolate chip cookies and coffee and paint and lilacs. In my yard are lilac bushes and a collection of garden gnomes. My door is painted robin's egg blue. I buy art from local artists and vegetables from an outdoor market. I ride my bike to school. I am surrounded by the people I love. *sigh*
J called me tonight to talk about switching my brother's name to the lease. It was kind of awkward. It made me realize just how much better it is that we don't live near each other anymore. We were just so wrong for each other. I care about him, I want him to be happy and do well in life but I do not love him. He wants me to but I don't anymore. I haven't for a while. I have found me again and I'm so happy where I'm at right now. I can't imagine ever going back.
I just can't wait until A comes over tomorrow night. I just want to hold him.
Technically I need to go to the grocery store and do some dishes and get ready for tomorrow. But I think maybe I will just crawl into my cloud bed and go to sleep early.
First, a dream. In this dream, I live on a beach in a little cottage with one room that is an art studio. This cottage has huge windows with lots of natural light. There are white cotton curtains in the windows that blow in the salt breeze. My walls are painted with bright swirls and pretty designs. There are different colored glasses on the windowsills that reflect the light. Saints candles and Marys line the cabinets. In the front room, the walls are covered with bookcases and the table is stacked with art books. There is no TV. The couch is lime green. I have a porch with a swing. And on the porch are the shells and driftwood I have collected from my walks in the sand with my dog. My bed is piled with pillows. My appliances are that weird pink color from the seventies and my counters are tile. I have a claw foot bathtub that is deep enough and long enough for all of me. I never turn on the bright lights because I have paper lamps and strings of fairy lights strung around every room. In my kitchen, I make cookies for my neighbors and dinner for my friends. I have a motley collection of wine glasses and coffee mugs collected from antique stores and we sip on sweet Communion wine or cordials of absinthe or dark, strong coffee. There are sugar cubes in a little glass on the table, next to the mismatched salt and pepper shakers. Folded paper cranes hang from the rafters in the dining room and painted stars from the ones in the bedroom. There are plants in every room and hanging from the ceiling. My house is filled with light and music and art. It smells like chocolate chip cookies and coffee and paint and lilacs. In my yard are lilac bushes and a collection of garden gnomes. My door is painted robin's egg blue. I buy art from local artists and vegetables from an outdoor market. I ride my bike to school. I am surrounded by the people I love. *sigh*
...about messin up
The Direct Writing Assessment for my ninth graders is tomorrow and I am freaking out. I found out Friday that I have to give it this week. I thought it was in March. I thought I had more time and didn't plan correctly and now my students are ill equipped for the test. I'm fucking stressed about it. I feel like a failure. I am a failure teacher. I was given the responsibility of preparing my students for this test and I have not done it. I could put the test off until Thursday and try to do a crash course for two days but would that really solve anything? No, it would just frustrate and confuse my kids and stress them out as much as I'm stressing out. I'm not even going to lie, I'm a sucky writing teacher. I know it. I'm pretty sure they, the students, know it. Reading, grammar, technical writing, yeah, I'm pretty good, I know my shit. But persuasive writing, I flounder and sometimes sink completely. I'm out of my element. It's not my forte. It never has been, even when I had to write persuasive essays. I know the scores are not going to be good and I already feel guilty about it. I already feel like a complete and utter failure. I was so stressed about it at school today that I was grumpy short tempered teacher. I hate this time of each year. This is about the time that all my well laid plans and organization strategies start going to shit. This is when I'm losing steam and motivation and starting to feel stressed and wanting to just run away screaming. I start to feel burnt out. I am feeling burnt out. It's not starting, it's been going for a while. I love my job and I love my students but I'm tired. I'm a teacher five days a week, not including the time I spend outside of school working on school stuff, I work all day Saturday at Red Lobster, I take a class on Monday and Wednesday nights, I'm studying for my Praxis II exam, I feel like I'm stretched out of shape. Like clay that's been kneaded too many times. I don't have time for anything else. No reading, no drawing, no painting, no bubble baths. I can't wait until summer. I think I'm getting a sub one day this week. I need a mental health day, probably Thursday.
There are some bright spots though. Aaron for one. We have been dating for almost a month. He is so good to me. I am crazy about him. I miss him the moment he walks out the door. He makes me so happy. He likes me for exactly who I am and does not try to change me.
My house for another. My brother moved in and I have felt so free. I needed J to move out so bad. I needed my space from him and now I have it. I miss him sometimes but I'm better, I'm happier. And it's so much fun living with my brother.
There are some bright spots though. Aaron for one. We have been dating for almost a month. He is so good to me. I am crazy about him. I miss him the moment he walks out the door. He makes me so happy. He likes me for exactly who I am and does not try to change me.
My house for another. My brother moved in and I have felt so free. I needed J to move out so bad. I needed my space from him and now I have it. I miss him sometimes but I'm better, I'm happier. And it's so much fun living with my brother.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)