The Direct Writing Assessment for my ninth graders is tomorrow and I am freaking out. I found out Friday that I have to give it this week. I thought it was in March. I thought I had more time and didn't plan correctly and now my students are ill equipped for the test. I'm fucking stressed about it. I feel like a failure. I am a failure teacher. I was given the responsibility of preparing my students for this test and I have not done it. I could put the test off until Thursday and try to do a crash course for two days but would that really solve anything? No, it would just frustrate and confuse my kids and stress them out as much as I'm stressing out. I'm not even going to lie, I'm a sucky writing teacher. I know it. I'm pretty sure they, the students, know it. Reading, grammar, technical writing, yeah, I'm pretty good, I know my shit. But persuasive writing, I flounder and sometimes sink completely. I'm out of my element. It's not my forte. It never has been, even when I had to write persuasive essays. I know the scores are not going to be good and I already feel guilty about it. I already feel like a complete and utter failure. I was so stressed about it at school today that I was grumpy short tempered teacher. I hate this time of each year. This is about the time that all my well laid plans and organization strategies start going to shit. This is when I'm losing steam and motivation and starting to feel stressed and wanting to just run away screaming. I start to feel burnt out. I am feeling burnt out. It's not starting, it's been going for a while. I love my job and I love my students but I'm tired. I'm a teacher five days a week, not including the time I spend outside of school working on school stuff, I work all day Saturday at Red Lobster, I take a class on Monday and Wednesday nights, I'm studying for my Praxis II exam, I feel like I'm stretched out of shape. Like clay that's been kneaded too many times. I don't have time for anything else. No reading, no drawing, no painting, no bubble baths. I can't wait until summer. I think I'm getting a sub one day this week. I need a mental health day, probably Thursday.
There are some bright spots though. Aaron for one. We have been dating for almost a month. He is so good to me. I am crazy about him. I miss him the moment he walks out the door. He makes me so happy. He likes me for exactly who I am and does not try to change me.
My house for another. My brother moved in and I have felt so free. I needed J to move out so bad. I needed my space from him and now I have it. I miss him sometimes but I'm better, I'm happier. And it's so much fun living with my brother.
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