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A former student just saw me in the store. And said hi. While I was picking out condoms.

...about recently

Yay for summer!

7 more days of school. Then I will be a Level II teacher which means I successfully completed three years of teaching. Weird. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. I had to take the PRAXIS II test recently. It was a really hard, really long, really expensive test but guess who rocked it! That's right! I needed to get a 160 to pass and I got a 189. Above average in every category. I'm so relieved, I stressed about that test.

So, now that I have almost finished with three years of teaching junior high, what have I learned? Hmmm. What haven't I learned should be the question. I have learned that the most important trait a teacher can possess is a sense of humor. The second most important would be adaptability. I have learned that grading papers sucks but making art with seventh graders rocks. I have learned that you never get used to being to school by 7:30 and that it is very difficult to keep a classroom well organized and clean. I have learned that ninth graders can be much smarter than adults and much sillier and more ridiculous than children and sometimes both at the same time. I have learned how to answer the exact same question in 16 different ways and that no matter how many times you remind them about a due date, someone will forget. "My printer doesn't work" is the new "my dog ate my homework." And even if you write the page number on the board, someone will ask, "What page are we on?" I have learned that sometimes I love being a teacher and sometimes I hate being a teacher and sometimes both on the same day. I have seen the same inappropriate picture drawn 700 different ways and heard every insult I ever thought was possible. This gig is by far the most interesting, most challenging I have ever endeavored in my life. But I like it. I think I will stick around.

Aaron and I will be together 4 months at the end of this month. I love him with all my heart. I love everything about him. Even the things that drive me crazy. I have never felt so loved and appreciated and happy with someone in my whole life. I am crazy about that boy.

...about turning 28 among other things

-I turned 28 on Friday March 13. We went to dinner at Blue Plate, then bowling then drank at my house. A lot of people who said they would stop by ditched out but I expect that from people now. Especially at my age. The most important people in my life were there though so that's what matters. I have some truly wonderful people in my life. People who still talk to me even when I manage to completely humiliate myself by waking up everyone in the room by ripping a fart. Yep. Bodily noises that occur during sleep do not count because we have no control over such things in times of unconsciousness but still, it's embarassing. Oh well, I'm over it.

-Some fantastic news. The stupid fucking DWA, otherwise known as, the Direct Writing Assessment, otherwise known as big pain in my ass is gone forever! The legislature voted to get rid of it. Praise the Lord, someone finally saw the light! I hate that test. I don't think it possible to judge writing ability based on ONE essay written on ONE topic on ONE day. Writing is a developmental and subjective skill. Some days we are one our A game and sometimes we really suck. How can one standardized writing test, graded by anonymous outsiders judge writing skill? I am not a fan of the standardized tests. But really, is any public school teacher? I helped test ESL students recently on their English speaking/reading/listening/writing ability. It was supposed to measure how well they understand the language but it was all comprehension, logic based questions. I just don't get it. So anyway, I don't have to worry about the DWA again. There will be some kind of writing assessment but it's going to be in the 8th grade. Why does this rock? Because I teach 9th grade! haha! Well, and it will be a yearlong, formative type assessment which I think will be much better. I really do need to figure out how to teach writing though. On this computer program we use, my kids have the lowest scores. Teaching writing is not my skill as an English teacher and it is something I really need to develop.

-Speaking of teaching, my favorite thing to hear a student say EVER is this: "OHHHH! I GET it!!!" I taught the color wheel to my 7th graders and they were so proud of themselves when they figured out how to make tertiary colors using only red, blue and yellow colored pencils.

-Speaking of favorite things ever, I am in love. Totally. In a way I never imagined was possible. Now I know what it can be like. I'm blissfully happy and exquisitely miserable. On fire and melting at the same time. He is my all time favorite accidental genius.

-I'm so happy. I'm disorganized and have a messy room and have lots of grading to catch up on and have laundry to do and have not made a lesson plan for tomorrow and missed class tonight but I am happy. Yay for freedom and love and Prozac!

...about surviving the standardized test

The test is done! The test is done! The teeeeest is doooonnnnneeeee! That was my written version of bursting into song. I don't know how well we did but at least it's over. I could dance with joy. And my kids really did try their hardest. So I am making them cookies. Which I am technically not supposed to do because I can only give them storebought treats but I will make them and bring them and let the students decide what if they want to eat one or not. But I like making cookies and I like sharing them so I will just make a whole bunch and share them with everyone. I don't know what's going to happen with the stupid standardized writing test but I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Now if only I could get paid because I am brizzoke and that's a weight that's starting to get kind of heavy. But that's three days from now so I will be ok. I will just be buying gas with quarters to get to class Wednesday night. After all that stressing about the test, I don't think there is much that could freak me out right now. I have stacks of grading to do and a review assignment to write and a spelling/grammar unit to plan and a house to clean and I don't mind. I feel so much better now that the test is done. I feel like I can get back to work. Like, ok, I dropped the ball a bit on this year but I will do better. I will fix it. I'm not a total failure. I know I'm a cool teacher but I care more about being a GOOD teacher. And I think I could be. I think I'm learning and I'm getting better every day. I'm not an expert. I have barely survived almost three years. That's nothing in teaching. That's scraping the top. And I'm ok with it. I'm glad to be learning and growing and getting better and trying harder and changing things around and trying new things. It's fun and interesting. And challenging. And a pain in the ass. But worth it. I really care about what I do. It's not just a job to me. I want to do my best. Be my best. I'm truly such a blessed person. I have so much support and love. People who care about me and encourage me and have faith in me. People who trust me. It's intimidating actually but I would not change it for the world. It just makes me want to be a person worthy of that faith and trust and support.

I feel so light today. So new and bright. I have so much to do. So much to accomplish. But I'm not freaking out about it. I will get it. I will make it happen. I am getting better about having that faith and trust in myself.

...about feeling a little bit better

Two posts in one day, I must be losing my mind. I went to my Color Theory class tonight and I think it was just what I needed. Some peace and quiet, listening to Sigur Ros, painting and drawing. No students, no DWA, no grading. I feel better. And calmer. I talked to my mom on the way to school and Aaron on the way home and I'm cool now. I will give the stupid standaradized test tomorrow, cross my fingers, hope for the best, deal with the consequences and do a better job next year. It will be ok.

J called me tonight to talk about switching my brother's name to the lease. It was kind of awkward. It made me realize just how much better it is that we don't live near each other anymore. We were just so wrong for each other. I care about him, I want him to be happy and do well in life but I do not love him. He wants me to but I don't anymore. I haven't for a while. I have found me again and I'm so happy where I'm at right now. I can't imagine ever going back.

I just can't wait until A comes over tomorrow night. I just want to hold him.

Technically I need to go to the grocery store and do some dishes and get ready for tomorrow. But I think maybe I will just crawl into my cloud bed and go to sleep early.

First, a dream. In this dream, I live on a beach in a little cottage with one room that is an art studio. This cottage has huge windows with lots of natural light. There are white cotton curtains in the windows that blow in the salt breeze. My walls are painted with bright swirls and pretty designs. There are different colored glasses on the windowsills that reflect the light. Saints candles and Marys line the cabinets. In the front room, the walls are covered with bookcases and the table is stacked with art books. There is no TV. The couch is lime green. I have a porch with a swing. And on the porch are the shells and driftwood I have collected from my walks in the sand with my dog. My bed is piled with pillows. My appliances are that weird pink color from the seventies and my counters are tile. I have a claw foot bathtub that is deep enough and long enough for all of me. I never turn on the bright lights because I have paper lamps and strings of fairy lights strung around every room. In my kitchen, I make cookies for my neighbors and dinner for my friends. I have a motley collection of wine glasses and coffee mugs collected from antique stores and we sip on sweet Communion wine or cordials of absinthe or dark, strong coffee. There are sugar cubes in a little glass on the table, next to the mismatched salt and pepper shakers. Folded paper cranes hang from the rafters in the dining room and painted stars from the ones in the bedroom. There are plants in every room and hanging from the ceiling. My house is filled with light and music and art. It smells like chocolate chip cookies and coffee and paint and lilacs. In my yard are lilac bushes and a collection of garden gnomes. My door is painted robin's egg blue. I buy art from local artists and vegetables from an outdoor market. I ride my bike to school. I am surrounded by the people I love. *sigh*