...what in your little brain told you that was a good idea?

So besides being a manic depressive OCD almost 30 female, I also have a genetic condition. Which I will not go into. Needless to say it requires a very expensive treatment, which I receive every two weeks. Which I have not received for over six months for reasons beyond my control. It's starting to get to me. Without treatment, toxins build up and my bones hurt and I get really tired. Like bone weary exhaustion tired. It's starting to get to me. I have to miss days of school because I hurt so much, it's just not possible to go in. Yesterday was one of these days. I called in a sub like a good teacher and left instructions. I come back to school today, refreshed somewhat and ready to clean up the mess that inevitably follows a substitute. Little did I know what was waiting for me.

The minions of Hades took over my classroom. Hell broke loose, chaos ensued, the seven horsemen of the Apocalypse stopped in for a chat and there was screaming and gnashing of teeth.

Let me break this down. It would be a hilarious story if it wasn't so god damn appalling. Let me just say this, this aint the old days, folks. Things are not how they used to be. Well, for me they are but I digress.

First period, my students ask me how I found "Odysseus" to sub the classroom and if I planned it on purpose. Not a good sign. One kid follows this by saying," Well, Odysseus if he came home from his adventures and didnt eat for a few years or became a middle age hippy." Greeeaaat.

Look at my back counter. Hmmm. Don't remember those big paint splotches being there. Look at my desk. Hmmm. Don't remember my planet mobile being that tangled. Pick up the paint containers. Hmmm. Don't remember them being so empty.

Channel One starts. "Hey, Ms. H, did you hear what happened in your seventh period?" "Well, they made a mess, I can see that." "Oh, your sub was weird though. He sent like half the class to the office." Exaggeration, one or two kids per period. Still one or two kids more per period than I ever have sent to the office. I say, "Oh, I see. I'll have to see if the sub left me a note."

Go next door. "Hey next door teacher, whats up? Did the sub leave me a note or anything?" "Did you hear what happened in your seventh period? You missed all the fun." It's one thing when you get asked that question from a student but when it comes from your next door teacher, it's something else entirely. "Oh yeah? What happened?" "That one kid you have, D?" That's almost all I need to hear. I can see the snowball start to roll. I feel fear clench my guts and my skin goes cold. "Yeeessss?" I answer.

"He started a paint war. I think the VP wants to talk to you and tell you what all happened"

Oh fantastic.

And it only gets better.

Over the course of the day and through my many conversations about the topic, this is what I learn.

1. A gets paint she is not supposed and starts to paint her pants.
2. D wants to help. A chases him with paint.
3. D chases back.
4. D spills paint on the floor.
5. D starts sliding around in paint on the floor.
6. Sub tells A and D to knock it off.
7. Other students join in the fun.
8. Sub is freaking out. Tries to grab paint from D.
9. D lifts up paint tray and dumps contents onto own shirt. Splatters paint on sub in process.
10. Angry sub says, "Here, let me help you" picks up handful of paint and slaps the paint onto D's chest. Then D's back.
11. Other student and D run to office.

"Miss H, it was the messiest I have ever seen a classroom. There was paint smeared on the floor from the door to the front of the room. All over the back counter, the sinks, the desks and the kids involved. I came in and made them stop what they were doing and clean the room up. We had the janitor bring in a mop. I'm sorry, we tried to get it all cleaned up for you," says Mr. VP.

12. D gets arrested. Sent to Juvy.
13. Sub walks out. Quits. Or will be fired. Never wants to see this school again.
14. D may not ever come back to our school.

I am DONE with paint.

Seventh period gets a lovely lecture in which I wax poetic about how disappointed I am. A raises hand to ask for the hall pass during said diatribe. Big mistake. No more Miss Nice H. I got angry for the first time this whole year. My class has never been so quiet. I have never been so strict. Or mean. It's a side of me I'm going to be exploring a little bit in the days to come. I have never been so livid with any student or class in my life. I have never wanted to scream and yell more than I wanted to today. I did not scream and yell, in case you were wondering, I just used a very harsh tone. I literally, seriously had to hold back my instinct to start stomping on the floor all tantrum-like. But I did, I was very composed. I HATE that like 3 kids ruin that class for the 20 nice, sweet kids who just want to hang out and learn art. That group of kids will no longer run my classroom. I am done with trying to cajole and threaten and ask nicely. It's time for the big guns.

...spelling tests

I teach ninth grade. Ninth graders are supposed to know how to spell, right? Wrong! My students are always surprised when I announce at the beginning of the year that we will have weekly spelling tests. I tell them,"You all are bomb at texting and Iming but I'm not even going to lie, you suck at spelling." So I give standardized words for the first few weeks until they have written a few things in class. Then I start giving words I notice are misspelled a lot and I take a few from a list of most commonly misspelled words. I make a list of 100 words and then use the same 100 words all year long. The goal is that by the end of the year they are experts at those 100 words. Mostly, it's words like receive, beginning, receipt, sandwich. Words they have probably already had but now can't spell to save their lives. I totally do the elementary thing too and have a chart where they can get stars for spelling tests. And since I don't want to leave out the kids who don't test well, they can rewrite the words they miss 10 times correctly and they get the point. So every kid has a chance to get a gold star. And gold stars are like, well, gold. You wouldn't think ninth graders would get so excited about stickers but they go crazy for them. And I never use candy, only cheap little toys. Candy turns nice, sweet children into little greedy, piggy monsters. So I use cheap little toys like sticky spiders and little cans of play doh. And it works! They go nuts for toys. Well, so do I so I understand. I would rather have a spiffy little dollar toy than a sucker any day. Anyway, the point of this is that I give the spelling tests on Fridays and after the test, we correct the last week's test. So this last Friday, I am spelling the last week's words and I have learned that when I spell the words, I need to say each letter very slowly or I will be asked ten times to repeat it. So I am saying each letter in a steady, slow rhythm like so, "Cemetary. C------E------M-----E------T------A------R--------Y." And the kids say, "Ms. H you sound like a robot. Say it with enthusiasm, like when you read to us." So I start saying it with enthusiasm and they tell me I sound like the guy on Price is Right. But at least it made them laught. I always do voices when I read and I tell you what, there is never one kid asleep during the reading. It works. What can I say. And I preface the voices too. Example, "Now Elpenor, the wimpy sailor is going to give Ulysses a prophecy, so he sounds like this..." and then proceed in a wimpy-ish voice.

I decided long ago that junior high is pretty much a miserable experience for everyone. It was for me. Nothing will change that. So if I can make them laugh or at least make the experience more bearable then I'm doing ok. Plus, I just really do love teaching. I hate my class sizes and I hate my pay cuts and the overbearing parents and the little "itchy butt" students, as hedgetoad calls them, and the grading and the messes but overall, I got a pretty good gig going on.

...rum, coke and a warble

I started a business called Hello Darling on etsy. It's fun but so far, not very profitable.

I am having the best year of school yet. Without Dead Lobster supporting my teaching habit.

A moved in and I am blissfully happy, as trite as that may be. An October wedding is in the works. The future is exciting.

The sky is vast.

The world is wide and full.

I can't stop making pretty things.

Beautiful music has changed my life.

...music like this

music like this makes the world seem more interesting and exotic than it really is. it is ethereal and fleeting. in it, i can see stars twinkle and flurries drift and scatter. i sense the warm pulse at the center throb, crossing paths with the cold and nothing. a yin and yang of sorts. everything becomes soft and wavering, no longer delineated by sharp edges and hard lines. winks and nods are given in a warm flush of blood and eyelashes against soft cheeks. it's a promise, fingers crossed behind your back. sly as a hummingbird, quick as a lightning bolt. a pink smudge of clouds gives a slight indication. the city has begun to dream and settles with a soft sigh and the cadence of breath that only comes with a sound sleep. creaking joints and crossbeams relax, give way, settle with a muffled crack, pop. Ghostly withered leaves like age spotted, fragile hands spiral and dip, fluttering in an infinite dance of sky, earth, breath, and space. sometimes you can even see the stars during the day.

....about summertime in the city

Yeah yeah, where do I start? Summer is almost half over. It's been great albeit very poor. I have started some paintings I have always wondered if I was able to transfer my style and designs to a canvas and paint. Turns out I can. Kind of well actually. It's exciting. Aaron helped me set up a painting desk in the bedroom. I look forward to it. Drawing is my usual forte, but the whole painting thing is pretty fun, I'm not gonna lie. Eventually I would like to get a decent digital camera so I can start posting some blogspot pictures of cool stuff. Like al the stars that are hanging from my ceiling. Or the painting I did above my bed. Eh. That takes money, which is always in short supply.

Speaking of money: Guess who paid off their IKEA card! One card down, three more to go. I am trying to concentrate on one at a time, starting with the smallest, so I don't over stretch myself. So IKEA down, that leaves Mastercard, Capital One, Kohl's, and Visa. Mastercard is the next one to go. I have already cut all these cards up so I cannot add to them, only subtract. There is only 300 left on Mastercard so that is the next one to go.

Aaron and I have decided that we need to be more healthy. We have both gained at least 20 pounds since we first met. So we are not eating out. And we are taking Max for long walks very other day. Today's goal is twice around Liberty Park. Max is a fatty pants dog so he needs the exercise too. A fatty pants but a CUTIE pants. He is giving me puppy dog eyes as I write this. If only I could get him to be nice to people and other dogs. For some reason he looks at little kids and thinks, "Intruder!!! Must bark profusely and look threatening" I am trying to socialize him, keeping him on a short leash, holding him when people pet him. I have been reading stuff online about socializing dogs and I am taking the advice but he is just making such slow progress. Well I guess slow progress is better than no progress.

Speaking of Aaron....LOVE him. We want to get married and have a family and buy a house together. We want to get a Great Dane and build a treehouse in the backyard. It's a dream for the future. Now is not the time, for several reasons but it's fun to plan ahead. I have never loved someone so much. I have never been so excited for the future with someone. He told me he wants to grow old with me. We go together so well. Like pieces of a puzzle. It's so much fun. And can I just say how hot he looks when he plays the drums. Whew.

So Jen had this super brilliant idea a few months ago. This idea was to have a ladies brunch the first Sunday of every month. We have met for three months now. I look forward to it every month. One new person has come each month so now it's up to six of us. We always meet somewhere and eat lunch and plan to hang out for a few hours which usually turns into like 5. And 5 still doesn't feel long enough sometimes. I love it! We have always been friends but more of a disparate group of friends. We rarely rarely ever saw everyone all together at the same time. But now we know that once a month at least we will. And I think it is making us better friends. I love my girls! Yesterday I went to Michelle's after work for her birthday and watched Twilight, wait let me clarify, mocked Twilight. And seriously, Massimo and Mariana are the cutest kids ever in the whole world. I just want to squeeze their cheeks. And I hope when I have kids, I can be a mother like Michelle. I admire her devotion and love and nurturing and good humor. Plus, I have known Michelle for like 7 years so I know how bad ass she is too. And today....Harry Potter! Which reminds me, I need to give Michelle her birthday present today. I forgot it last night.

And I have to admit, I'm pretty excited for school this year. PS I am now a Level II teacher. Which basically means I'm legit. Yeah. And I got an award of Excellence for my PRAXIS II test. Because I'm bomb at bullshitting. Each year I get better and I'm excited to try out some new ideas this year. I'm in the best time of my life, seriously. I love my job and have a steady paycheck, I adore my boyfriend, I have awesome friends, a rad dog, a cool house. Compared to a year ago, I'm like a different person. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I worked hard and put up with a lot of shitznit to get here. And it's only going to get better because I am a stronger person now.

...

A former student just saw me in the store. And said hi. While I was picking out condoms.

...about recently

Yay for summer!

7 more days of school. Then I will be a Level II teacher which means I successfully completed three years of teaching. Weird. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. I had to take the PRAXIS II test recently. It was a really hard, really long, really expensive test but guess who rocked it! That's right! I needed to get a 160 to pass and I got a 189. Above average in every category. I'm so relieved, I stressed about that test.

So, now that I have almost finished with three years of teaching junior high, what have I learned? Hmmm. What haven't I learned should be the question. I have learned that the most important trait a teacher can possess is a sense of humor. The second most important would be adaptability. I have learned that grading papers sucks but making art with seventh graders rocks. I have learned that you never get used to being to school by 7:30 and that it is very difficult to keep a classroom well organized and clean. I have learned that ninth graders can be much smarter than adults and much sillier and more ridiculous than children and sometimes both at the same time. I have learned how to answer the exact same question in 16 different ways and that no matter how many times you remind them about a due date, someone will forget. "My printer doesn't work" is the new "my dog ate my homework." And even if you write the page number on the board, someone will ask, "What page are we on?" I have learned that sometimes I love being a teacher and sometimes I hate being a teacher and sometimes both on the same day. I have seen the same inappropriate picture drawn 700 different ways and heard every insult I ever thought was possible. This gig is by far the most interesting, most challenging I have ever endeavored in my life. But I like it. I think I will stick around.

Aaron and I will be together 4 months at the end of this month. I love him with all my heart. I love everything about him. Even the things that drive me crazy. I have never felt so loved and appreciated and happy with someone in my whole life. I am crazy about that boy.

...about turning 28 among other things

-I turned 28 on Friday March 13. We went to dinner at Blue Plate, then bowling then drank at my house. A lot of people who said they would stop by ditched out but I expect that from people now. Especially at my age. The most important people in my life were there though so that's what matters. I have some truly wonderful people in my life. People who still talk to me even when I manage to completely humiliate myself by waking up everyone in the room by ripping a fart. Yep. Bodily noises that occur during sleep do not count because we have no control over such things in times of unconsciousness but still, it's embarassing. Oh well, I'm over it.

-Some fantastic news. The stupid fucking DWA, otherwise known as, the Direct Writing Assessment, otherwise known as big pain in my ass is gone forever! The legislature voted to get rid of it. Praise the Lord, someone finally saw the light! I hate that test. I don't think it possible to judge writing ability based on ONE essay written on ONE topic on ONE day. Writing is a developmental and subjective skill. Some days we are one our A game and sometimes we really suck. How can one standardized writing test, graded by anonymous outsiders judge writing skill? I am not a fan of the standardized tests. But really, is any public school teacher? I helped test ESL students recently on their English speaking/reading/listening/writing ability. It was supposed to measure how well they understand the language but it was all comprehension, logic based questions. I just don't get it. So anyway, I don't have to worry about the DWA again. There will be some kind of writing assessment but it's going to be in the 8th grade. Why does this rock? Because I teach 9th grade! haha! Well, and it will be a yearlong, formative type assessment which I think will be much better. I really do need to figure out how to teach writing though. On this computer program we use, my kids have the lowest scores. Teaching writing is not my skill as an English teacher and it is something I really need to develop.

-Speaking of teaching, my favorite thing to hear a student say EVER is this: "OHHHH! I GET it!!!" I taught the color wheel to my 7th graders and they were so proud of themselves when they figured out how to make tertiary colors using only red, blue and yellow colored pencils.

-Speaking of favorite things ever, I am in love. Totally. In a way I never imagined was possible. Now I know what it can be like. I'm blissfully happy and exquisitely miserable. On fire and melting at the same time. He is my all time favorite accidental genius.

-I'm so happy. I'm disorganized and have a messy room and have lots of grading to catch up on and have laundry to do and have not made a lesson plan for tomorrow and missed class tonight but I am happy. Yay for freedom and love and Prozac!

...about surviving the standardized test

The test is done! The test is done! The teeeeest is doooonnnnneeeee! That was my written version of bursting into song. I don't know how well we did but at least it's over. I could dance with joy. And my kids really did try their hardest. So I am making them cookies. Which I am technically not supposed to do because I can only give them storebought treats but I will make them and bring them and let the students decide what if they want to eat one or not. But I like making cookies and I like sharing them so I will just make a whole bunch and share them with everyone. I don't know what's going to happen with the stupid standardized writing test but I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Now if only I could get paid because I am brizzoke and that's a weight that's starting to get kind of heavy. But that's three days from now so I will be ok. I will just be buying gas with quarters to get to class Wednesday night. After all that stressing about the test, I don't think there is much that could freak me out right now. I have stacks of grading to do and a review assignment to write and a spelling/grammar unit to plan and a house to clean and I don't mind. I feel so much better now that the test is done. I feel like I can get back to work. Like, ok, I dropped the ball a bit on this year but I will do better. I will fix it. I'm not a total failure. I know I'm a cool teacher but I care more about being a GOOD teacher. And I think I could be. I think I'm learning and I'm getting better every day. I'm not an expert. I have barely survived almost three years. That's nothing in teaching. That's scraping the top. And I'm ok with it. I'm glad to be learning and growing and getting better and trying harder and changing things around and trying new things. It's fun and interesting. And challenging. And a pain in the ass. But worth it. I really care about what I do. It's not just a job to me. I want to do my best. Be my best. I'm truly such a blessed person. I have so much support and love. People who care about me and encourage me and have faith in me. People who trust me. It's intimidating actually but I would not change it for the world. It just makes me want to be a person worthy of that faith and trust and support.

I feel so light today. So new and bright. I have so much to do. So much to accomplish. But I'm not freaking out about it. I will get it. I will make it happen. I am getting better about having that faith and trust in myself.

...about feeling a little bit better

Two posts in one day, I must be losing my mind. I went to my Color Theory class tonight and I think it was just what I needed. Some peace and quiet, listening to Sigur Ros, painting and drawing. No students, no DWA, no grading. I feel better. And calmer. I talked to my mom on the way to school and Aaron on the way home and I'm cool now. I will give the stupid standaradized test tomorrow, cross my fingers, hope for the best, deal with the consequences and do a better job next year. It will be ok.

J called me tonight to talk about switching my brother's name to the lease. It was kind of awkward. It made me realize just how much better it is that we don't live near each other anymore. We were just so wrong for each other. I care about him, I want him to be happy and do well in life but I do not love him. He wants me to but I don't anymore. I haven't for a while. I have found me again and I'm so happy where I'm at right now. I can't imagine ever going back.

I just can't wait until A comes over tomorrow night. I just want to hold him.

Technically I need to go to the grocery store and do some dishes and get ready for tomorrow. But I think maybe I will just crawl into my cloud bed and go to sleep early.

First, a dream. In this dream, I live on a beach in a little cottage with one room that is an art studio. This cottage has huge windows with lots of natural light. There are white cotton curtains in the windows that blow in the salt breeze. My walls are painted with bright swirls and pretty designs. There are different colored glasses on the windowsills that reflect the light. Saints candles and Marys line the cabinets. In the front room, the walls are covered with bookcases and the table is stacked with art books. There is no TV. The couch is lime green. I have a porch with a swing. And on the porch are the shells and driftwood I have collected from my walks in the sand with my dog. My bed is piled with pillows. My appliances are that weird pink color from the seventies and my counters are tile. I have a claw foot bathtub that is deep enough and long enough for all of me. I never turn on the bright lights because I have paper lamps and strings of fairy lights strung around every room. In my kitchen, I make cookies for my neighbors and dinner for my friends. I have a motley collection of wine glasses and coffee mugs collected from antique stores and we sip on sweet Communion wine or cordials of absinthe or dark, strong coffee. There are sugar cubes in a little glass on the table, next to the mismatched salt and pepper shakers. Folded paper cranes hang from the rafters in the dining room and painted stars from the ones in the bedroom. There are plants in every room and hanging from the ceiling. My house is filled with light and music and art. It smells like chocolate chip cookies and coffee and paint and lilacs. In my yard are lilac bushes and a collection of garden gnomes. My door is painted robin's egg blue. I buy art from local artists and vegetables from an outdoor market. I ride my bike to school. I am surrounded by the people I love. *sigh*

...about messin up

The Direct Writing Assessment for my ninth graders is tomorrow and I am freaking out. I found out Friday that I have to give it this week. I thought it was in March. I thought I had more time and didn't plan correctly and now my students are ill equipped for the test. I'm fucking stressed about it. I feel like a failure. I am a failure teacher. I was given the responsibility of preparing my students for this test and I have not done it. I could put the test off until Thursday and try to do a crash course for two days but would that really solve anything? No, it would just frustrate and confuse my kids and stress them out as much as I'm stressing out. I'm not even going to lie, I'm a sucky writing teacher. I know it. I'm pretty sure they, the students, know it. Reading, grammar, technical writing, yeah, I'm pretty good, I know my shit. But persuasive writing, I flounder and sometimes sink completely. I'm out of my element. It's not my forte. It never has been, even when I had to write persuasive essays. I know the scores are not going to be good and I already feel guilty about it. I already feel like a complete and utter failure. I was so stressed about it at school today that I was grumpy short tempered teacher. I hate this time of each year. This is about the time that all my well laid plans and organization strategies start going to shit. This is when I'm losing steam and motivation and starting to feel stressed and wanting to just run away screaming. I start to feel burnt out. I am feeling burnt out. It's not starting, it's been going for a while. I love my job and I love my students but I'm tired. I'm a teacher five days a week, not including the time I spend outside of school working on school stuff, I work all day Saturday at Red Lobster, I take a class on Monday and Wednesday nights, I'm studying for my Praxis II exam, I feel like I'm stretched out of shape. Like clay that's been kneaded too many times. I don't have time for anything else. No reading, no drawing, no painting, no bubble baths. I can't wait until summer. I think I'm getting a sub one day this week. I need a mental health day, probably Thursday.

There are some bright spots though. Aaron for one. We have been dating for almost a month. He is so good to me. I am crazy about him. I miss him the moment he walks out the door. He makes me so happy. He likes me for exactly who I am and does not try to change me.
My house for another. My brother moved in and I have felt so free. I needed J to move out so bad. I needed my space from him and now I have it. I miss him sometimes but I'm better, I'm happier. And it's so much fun living with my brother.