...about new stuff

So much has happened in the last few weeks. I totaled my car and got a new one. A Saturn Vue. A part of me feels slightly guilty about SUVing it but it's not REALLY an SUV. It's only front wheel drive and is so not a gas guzzler. It's like a car that has enough room to fit my bike and all my school crap in the back. I have realized lately though, also, that I really just can't feel guilty about too much. I gave in to two things I said I never would, Prozac and an SUV. And I actually feel ok about both.

The other super cool thing is that I adopted a dog.

He is a 5 year old Dachsund

named Max. That is short for Maximus Fatticus. He is also called Sausage, Maxi Pants, Snuggles and Barky. He rocks. I have never had my own pet before and I was a little hesitant but he has stolen my heart. I mean what's not to love about this...

He also like to rip apart his toys and eat tennis ball fuzz. And he loves to play fetch. And his belly drags in the snow because he is a chubby lowrider. And he is such a good snuggler. And just too damn cute.....

...writing exercise

From a book called "Writing for Self Discovery." Hokey title, I know. But some of these writing prompts are very good. And I want to try them out. I just finished the first one. It is called At This Moment. So I took my book outside and wrote for half an hour.

At This Moment: Friday November 28, about noon.
There are residual puddles from this morning's rain. The usual pigeons are absent, replaced by small brown birds. I live in city, I don't know what they are called. The sky is encased in clouds. Big, puffy, white clouds that completely obscure any hint of blue sky beyond. These clouds makes things in the distance look foggy. A man is looking through a phone book, a little boy is carrying a big water jug. My view north is blocked by a large, red building. But through the windows I can see the train passing. East is the homeless shleter with its colorful mosaic of tiles and only one person milling around outside instead of the usual crowd. Beyond that is the city and then the mountains, which I cannot see through the fog but I know are there. West is the brick building I live in and just past that, the train station. I can just see the top of the train as it rounds the corner. And past that, the cement wall of the freeway. I can't see the cars. Behind me, to the south, is my front door. White, with a big window in the middle. I can smell my cigarette smoke, my coffee, faintly, but mostly I smell coldness. Does coldness have a smell? It does today. Where I live in the city, there is never a shortage of noise. I can hear the bell of the train, the brakes of a bus pulling up to the curb, a car honking its horn, cars driving past, muffled footsteps and even more muffled conversation. I can hear air blowing, the sound of a car startin, pulling away. The sound of car doors slamming. The squeal of brakes. The constant susurrus of the freeway. The flapping of wings. Little bird chirps. And if I listen very closely I can hear the breeze ruffling the leaves of the only tree by my building. A sad little thing, brown and crinkly. I feel cold. It gets cold in the winter here but it's been mild so far. Today, I can feel the bite of winter. It gets too cold for comfort so I move inside. Inside it is warm and orange. And quiet. I can hear the dryer tumbling, the fridge humming, the neighbor walking up the stairs, the faint sound of cars outside. The chair squeaks when I move and the spoon scrapes when I stir. I see a constant mess. Which will be cleaned and messed again. I see the Windows logo bouncing around on my computer screen. I see the cat urled up on the futon. He raises his head as if he knows I am writing about him. My sweater is old and pilled but soft and worn and comfortable. My hair is tangled and my eyelashes are crusted from sleep. I feel the contentment of being allowed to sleep in until 11 and not have any pressing obligations to worry about. The clock blinks a green 11:27. In the back of my mind, I know I have tests to grade and lessons to plan but I am not worried about it. I am still full from Thanksgiving dinner yesterday. I have leftovers in the fridge. I wonder why J wasn't this awesome to me when we were together. I wonder if Z thinks about me while he is away. I want to smell him. I love his smell. I wonder what I should do next? Draw? Paint? Read? Go see if Slowtrain has the new Uzi and Ari cd? Put my clothes from the dryer away? Go to the bookstore? Go back to bed?

...getting caught up

two months. I keep forgetting that I signed up for a blog. Not that it matters, it's just for me anyway. I've been so busy getting my life back that I haven't stopped to think about it. For the first time, I feel like excited about things. I feel creative and motivated and ok. Taking that stupid pill for the first time was so hard. But I wouldn't go back for anything now. I was reading through old journals and realized something...this has been going on a long time. Clear back to my teen years I have entries that say things like, "I feel so bored with life" "When is something exciting going to happen?" "I never feel like doing anything. I feel stagnant." My language gets more sophisticated as I get older but it basically says the same thing for 10 years. And I feel like I have found an answer. I am not bugging Jason anymore. I am moving on with my life. I am LOVING being a teacher. I am making art. I am hanging out with someone new and amazing. I feel deliciously optimistic and it's such a relief to know what this feels like for what seems to be the first time in my life. I want to do things and see things and make things. I want to get out of bed in the morning. I love my students, even the little shits. I have crappy days still but I deal with them better. I don't find myself getting soo down. I don't get to the point where I can't do anything. I don't freak out and start bawling. I deal with it. My reactions are smoother and smarter. I am not trying to sound like a commercial for antidepressants. They just work for me, as much as I hate to fucking admit it.

...about two weeks

So I took the pill. And I have taken it every day since. And I feel ok. I feel calmer. Less inclined to fly into emotional rages at the slightest provocation. Like Jason bringing girls over to our house to take naked portraits. And honestly, I think the situation with him is one of the main reasons for all this mess in the first place. We have not been together for 4 months but we still live in the same house. He lives downstairs and I live upstairs. He has always insisted that we would be fine being roommates but I have always known better. How am I supposed to get over him when he never goes away. And now, that;s where we are. He's done, ready to date someone else and I'm freaking out about it. I thought I was fine until the possibility actually arose. I realized something the other day though. I was upset and he was hugging me and saying, "My Marlenee," which is what he used to call me. And I had this fear that he was going to say he wanted us to be back together. Fear! That's when I knew, this is right. Not being together is the right thing, it's just going to be hard for a little while. I know we don't work and I know we need to be apart but it would be so much easier if he lived in a different house, if I didn't see him and talk to him everyday, if I didn't see him texting random girls all the time. I told him he HAS to move out or I will go crazy. And he promised that he will as soon as he can afford it. I adore him, I love him, I am attracted to him, I want him, I miss him, I enjoy him....but I need to get over him. And he needs to move out in order for me to do that. That's why these pills are working. Because two weeks ago, I freaked out every time I saw him texting a girl or whenever he would tell me he was going out with a girl, I would start crying and yelling. I even hit him with my sweater once. I was so jealous and upset. And now, because of the pills and because I know, deep down, that this is what's right, I am calmer. More able to just ignore and be patient. I want to meet someone else. I want to go out and date and have fun and live my life and I feel like as long as he is here, I cannot fully do that. We have had a good ride. Two and a half years of ups and downs and craziness and good times. He is my best friend. But he needs to give me time to think of him as "just" a friend.

This weekend was a bust. I got sick on Friday and spent all day Friday and Saturday in bed. I tried to go to work at Red Lobster on Saturday but had to leave when I started blacking out. So, now after hours and hours of rest, I feel so much better. I feel ok. I feel like cleaning and getting ready and doing stuff. I feel like drawing and painting and grading papers and cleaning my car and doing laundry. Life is getting better. I'm feeling better. I don't have to force myself to get out of bed anymore. I feel like I'm going to be ok.

...me versus the medicine

It is sitting here on the table about 4 inches away. Staring me in the face. One little inconspicuous capsule. Hmmm....take this. Don't take this. You don't need this. You need this. You need this help. You have failed at life. You deserve this help. One little pill and I am a doped up, sunnyville, Utah female. Who doesn't hate life anymore. And can sleep at night. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why is this so fucking hard? What's the big fucking deal? Meds. No meds. Who cares? Nobody cares. Nobody will know the difference. Can I just have some opiates instead please? If I'm going to be doped up, I'd rather have the good shit. Let me describe this. No, I can't. It's impossible. It is literally completely IMPOSSIBLE to describe this moment in my life. There are no words that can possible begin to do justice to what is going on right now in my kitchen. It is a fucking war. Armageddon is going down on my kitchen table right now. Ever wondered what the end of the world would look like? It looks like this. A little white oval with a blue stripe and a green stripe and some numbers on it. Except that it is sending out little radioactive waves of communication to my brain that say something to the effect of, "Take me. I'm delicious. I will love you the way no one ever has." I do not have cancer, I am not dying, I do not live in a war-stricken, impoverished third world country...so what is the deal? Seriously? What is wrong with me? Why do I need this? Why can't I just fix it on my own? My doctor said what I have is called recurrent depression and that each time it comes back, it is stronger and gets worse. And she said to think of this, taking meds, as dealing with it, as fixing it. It's not a bad thing, it doesn't mean I'm a loser and a failure. It means that I am being proactive and taking charge of my mental health. It means that I'm not going to let my feelings of despair cripple me and exhaust me and delude me anymore. It means I will be able to hold a conversation without crying. It means I will be able to concentrate during the day and sleep at night. You know, honestly, I admire people who can take these pills and not stress about it. I don't know why I am stressed about it. I don't know why it bothers me. There's no reason for it to. This is to help me. This is not torture or punishment, I went to the doctor of my own free will. I chose to fill the prescription. Why am I being so dramatic about it? I think I need a cigarette. So I can feel guilty about fucking up my lungs and then assuage my guilt by taking charge of my mental health.

...about meds

So I've been having a rough few months. I know it. I can look back through my blogspot entries and see it. I talked to my mom about it. Told her how I have just been feeling shitty and miserable and sad and start crying for no reason. I told her how I try really hard to pull myself out of it by drawing or reading or hanging out with friends or my family or going to shows or the bookstore or on bike rides but how it doesn't really matter. Because no matter what I do, there is this undercurrent of despair. It's always hiding just below the surface, ready to rear its ugly little head at the slightest provocation. Someone pays me a compliment, I tear up. Someone looks at me the wrong way, I tear up. I can't find my favorite black sweater, I tear up. I have been fighting it for months but it's not getting better, it's getting worse. It used to be that I would feel relatively normal for a week to two weeks and then would have a bad day or two but now I'm having a bad day every few days. I can feel the pressure building behind my eyeballs as I fucking write this. My mom told me that depression runs in our family. Her and my sister have to take meds for it. Both her parents had problems with it. Almost all her brothers and sisters have problems with it. I've known this and I have always had bad spells as long as I remember and I have always resisted going to a doctor or even considering medication. Because I felt like taking meds/antidepressants was like admitting that I can't deal with life. But I have never had three months in a row like this. Usually it's like a wave but this is like a wall. It has parked itself in my head and shows no intention of going ANYWHERE anytime soon. I'm tired. No, I
am EXHAUSTED. I'm frustrated. Making myself get out of bed and face the day takes sheer physical effort. I have so much to be thankful for, so much life to love. I have the apartment I've always wanted, I have an amazing family, good friends, I love my job, I'm making art on a daily basis, I have a little bit of money. So why do I feel like I'm drowning? Why do I sometimes feel like it's hard to even breathe? Why does every muscle in my body ache when I haven't been doing anything? Why do I wake up with a pounding head every morning after tossing and turning all night? Last night I went to dinner with my brother and my parents. My mom asked me how I was doing and burst into tears. I can't do this anymore. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I'm admitting it. I can't deal with it. I am weak. I am lost. I am giving in. I don't know if I'm going to agree to meds yet but going to a fucking doctor about it is a really big deal for me.

...some highlights

from the first three weeks.

"Love is a magenta shoe. I don't know how it is but trust me, it is."

"That's Ms. Hardcore to you."

"Ms. Teacher?" "Yes, Mr. Student?"

"This project is only going to take me like five years."

"This is my best friend that just transferred into this class. Can she sit by me?" Hmmm...let me think about that one.

"This is Art class, not drama class. Save it for after school please."

"You are seriously the only teacher who makes us do that."

"Hey, Miss H. I hear you are like the coolest English teacher ever." "Is that right?" "Yeah, everybody says." "Well, everybody also likes to spread salacious rumors, you shouldn't believe everything you hear."

"I love you like potatoes."

"I don't want to write a poem about myself. I'm not a narcissist." "A. Good word choice. B. You don't have to be a narcissist to write a poem about yourself."

"Sarcasm is my favorite literary device. Followed closely by exaggeration."

"In the desk, not on it please."

"Whoa, too many people in my bubble. Back away from the bubble."

"I apologize. I'm just confused. Why are you out of your seat without permission again?"

"Congratulations. You will forever know the meaning of "pulchritudinous" after this class."

"Free writing is like blowing your nose. Most of the time, it's just snot. But sometimes... you get something juicy."

"Sometimes you write something and then read it later and think, 'man, I'm good!' There's a little hidden genius poet in every single one of you. You just have to stop hating poetry enough to let it out"

...about school

School is going very well. Three whole days in. Yesterday, my fifth period was looking glum so I stopped talking and said, "Ok, I'm going to tell you the funniest word in the English language. It's hilarious. Guaranteed to make you laugh. You ready?" They kind of nodded back at me. So I very simply said, "poop." And they just laughed. Because it was not what they were expecting me to say. Part of me was thinking, oh yeah, that's exactly what I need them to tell their parents. "Mom, my teacher told us that poop is a funny word today." But then, so what? I was not talking about the object, I was talking about the word and it worked. After I made them laugh, they were a little more participatory. So yay.

...feeling better

I am feeling better today. School also started. It was a good day. But if there is one thing I have learned it is that you can never judge a school year, class or child by the first day of school. The first day is always good because it's brand new. They get sick of it quick. But I'm hopeful. This is going to be a good year, I can feel it. I have so many good ideas for my classes this year. I am so prepared. I stayed after school until five and got everything for the next week ready. I want to really work on facilitating discussions in my classrooms. It's going to take practice, I know but I think it will be good for me and for my students if we are able to have good conversations. F worksheets man. They are good, sparingly. I think you learn more when you talk about it and think about it and analyze it, rather than just answering questions about it. I'm going to start this tomorrow. The first ten minutes will go like this. DOL, which is two sentences to correct and then chat. I'm just going to ask them what they want to talk about, what they want to learn today and see if I can get some good discussion going. From what I've read about other teachers who do this, it takes some practice for sure. The kids are not used to it. And unfortunately, not to be a rude mean person, but one of the English teachers that some of these kids have had for the last two years did not really do anything with them. They watched movies and listened to audiotapes. So, hopefully, I can repair some of the damage this year. I think I am just going to go slow and steady this year and not assume anything. I think we are going to have an awesome year. They say that the first day of class sets the tone. This is the first impression that students form of you. And I think I did a good job. I'm learning. This is my third year and I've learned a lot from the previous two years. I know what NOT to do, that's for sure. Bonus: I went into the neighboring teacher's room after school to say hi like I always do and he's like, "I don't know what you did but all the 9th graders in my seventh period were talking about how Ms. H is te best English teacher ever." I laughed and said, "Well, that's just because we have not started persuasive essays yet. Haha!" Cooper, my little student who used to make up jokes for me when I had bad days, stopped by and said hi today. A lot of kids from last year stopped by and said hi actually. It was a fun day. I'm in a great mood. The new cute gym teacher stopped me in the workroom to chat. Maybe school is what I needed after all.
Tomorrow we lay the adjective game. Yay.

So, yesterday, after my melodramatic, whiny bitch fest I posted, I called my mom to vent. I told her that I just wanted to do nothing and stay in bed all day and she said, "NO, do not do that. Force yourself to do something. Anything. Clean, draw, go somewhere, anything but force yourself to do it." So, I went upstairs and started putting together some of the furniture that has been laying around unacked forever and I ended getting my entire room unacked and set up and it felt so good to accomplish something! Then, my neighbor met me outside and we smoked and I vented and that made me feel even better. Sometimes, I just need to be a brat, I guess.

...Josh Ritter and death

I am in love with the album The Historical Conquest of Josh Ritter. Listen to To the Dogs or Whoever and The Temptation of Adam. Lyrical genius. I have been listening to it for about four days straight. So good.

My greant aunt Mary has been battling breast cancer for a few years now. About a month ago she found out that it had spread to her brain. She lost her battle with the brain cancer last night at about 10:30. I guess lost isn't the right word. I think she won. She fought so long and so hard and I think she deserves the rest. She is dancing in heaven right now. My aunt Mary was an amazing woman. She was very creative and artistic. Every birthday or major holiday, I got a handmade card from her. I remember a time that she brought all her papers and stamps with her and we sat and talked about journaling and art. Then a week later, I got a package in the mail with a bunch of cool papers and scrapbooking stuff. She came to my high school and my college graduation. She organized all the family reunions, made sure everyone kept in touch with each other. She will be so greatly missed. She was very brave and courageous and strong and I will always love her.

Things just don't seem to be getting much better. I'm still feeling sad and anxious so much of the time. It never seems to end. It gets better for a few hours or a few days or a few minutes but the bleakness always comes back. I'm usually such a happy person but I have not been that person recently. I feel disgusting. I feel un-confident and shitty. I feel ugly and gross.

I start school tomorrow. I am feeling completely unprepared. Art class is pretty easy to get ready for. I just come up with projects. But English class is more work and more preparation. Maybe school is exactly what I need. But it's not what I want. I just want to sleep. All the time. And not deal with anything. Ever. Here's a list of things I definitely don't want to deal with anymore:

1. People I love dying.

2. People I love rejecting me.

3. Preparing for school.

4. My ex/best friend who is now my roommate dating other people

5. Dating other people.

6. Being fat and unhealthy.

7. Feeling like crap.

8. Red Lobster.

9. Having a fucked up knee that hurts all the time and needs to be iced every few nights.

10. Finishing unpacking and setting up my house.

11. Setting up my classroom.

12. Constantly always always thinking about drawing but never actually doing it. (Seriously, I think about making art all the time but it usually drives me crazy because it just sits in my head and I don't do anything about it)

13. It being so hot and sweaty.

14. Always feeling like I either want to burst into tears or punch walls. Or both.

Goddammit. I just want to feel normal again. I just want to feel like me. I just want to feel happy and excited about stuff. I want to stop complaining and bitching.

...bike wheels

So, my bike wheels got stolen. And I want to punch the person who took them in the face. They were stolen in the middle of the day three steps from my front door. By someone who left a flyer for a bike race taped to my door. Nice. I took my bike in to a local bike shop downtown to see about new wheels. And apparently, my wheels are not me only problem, my chain and brakes are fucked up also. So, we are looking at over 200 bucks at the minimum to fix a bike worth about 50 bucks. Plus there are other issues with the bike because it's so old, like eventually, I would need a new chain well and the handlebars suck, etc. So, I'm thinking, "dude, 200 bucks is halfway to a brand spanking new bike which will have no problems." So, I look around at the bikes, ask a ton of question about tires and handlebars and the guy lets me take this one bike out for a test ride. Holy crap! I didn't know a bike ride could be so smooth. It was awesome! I didn't realize how bumpy and grindy and jolty my old bike was until I rode this new one. So, yeah, I bought a brand new bike. It's right between a mountain bike and a road bike, so slick tires but wide and sturdy. It's 390 which I didn't have so I made a payment and put it on layaway and should be able to pay the rest by saturday. I'm pretty excited about it. Although, I'm not excited about now having a bike for 6 days. I ride my bike almost everyday because I ride it when I go anywhere downtown. But, yay for new bikes!

I just got back from a week in Bremerton, Washington. It was pretty boring. I finished two new drawings. I'm halfway through the alphabet now. My cousin got married. The preacher gave an impromptu 15 minute sermon in the middle of the vows on how marriage is like paying taxes. My brother and I had a very hard time holding in our laughter. I went to the beach. I bought a fabulous lamp at an antique store. Yep. That was the trip. Wow right. I have some pictures I will post probably tomorrow.

School starts in a few weeks. I'm ambivalent about this. I usually spend July dreading school and not wanting to go back and being distressed by the idea and then August hits and I'm ok. I have made my peace with the passing of summer vacation.

I got my tattoo on my wrist fixed up Aug 1 by the same artist who did my foot. I realized halfway through the session that I'm tattooed out right now. I don't want anymore for a while. I found myself annoyed with the pain. Usually, I kind of like it but not this time. I am over it for a little while. This artist is way cool. I think I'm going back in a few months to get just a shamrock with no swirls or vines on my other foot to kind of match up. And I want to ask him about drawing up a really cool Art Nouveau Mary Magdalene half sleeve for my other arm. I'm thinking a Mary Magdalene set up like this picture that looks kind of like my Medusa tattoo but very curly and pretty and nouveau in just black ink, half surrounded by red flowers, probably lilies.

I finished J and M. They look pretty cool. I'm stuck on N now, so I think I might skip to O for owl. I have started getting some attention for my drawings and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I have always drawn, just for myself, because I like it. Sometimes I give them away as presents but I have never pursued shows or galleries or sales. And now people are starting to ask me about commissions and the gallery in the building I live in wants me to contribute artwork to the next show. It kind of makes me nervous, self conscious kinda.

...stuff

I have decided that I am drowning in STUFF. crap, bullshit, knick knacks, call it what you will but I have too much of it. I decided to be ambitious today and unpack the last 6 boxes I have stacked up in my room upstairs and in the proces of unpacking these, I became angry with how much stuff I have. Why? Why do I have all this crap? What purpose does it even serve? Except to take up space and piss me off? And now, I come down to the kitchen/living room level and I'm looking around and getting pissed off at how much crap is here too. I need to unload. I need to just go crazy and throw stuff away and not even feel bad about it. I need to not feel guilty about throwing away that stuffed bear that I got in a stocking when I was 15, or the ugly bronze lamp I picked up at the thrift store when I was 22. I just feel crowded and claustrophobic. I'm sick of being surrounded by so much junk. I'm sick of having to find places to put all the junk and then hating how cluttered it all looks. So, I'm going to clean it. I'm going to throw stuff away without remorse. Tomorrow, I'm spending the day getting rid of crap.

...dude

So, last night I got a little bit drunk and texted my neighbor and said this, "Still awake? Have any alcohol you want to share with a poor schoolteacher? Or is that obnoxious of me to ask?" WHO DOES THAT??? What a ridiculous text! So, now I don't know if I should apologize and laugh it off or just drop it and say nothing. I barely know him which is why this text is so ridiculous. Seriously, sometimes I amaze myself.

...free concerts

Yay for the Gallivan Center and free summer concerts. Tonight is Josh Ritter. I'm riding trax up there with my neighbor and his friends. Then after, going to Area to rock out old school on 80s night for my friend Jeff's birthday. It's going to be a busy few days. Friday night is Michelle's birthday which means girls night dinner and bowling! Then Flogging Molly saturday, work sunday ten 3 days until I leave for Seattle for a week. Hopefully in that time I get to see Tina, who is in town and cute boy who gets back from his trip this weekend. And there will be drawing and bike rides of course.

Speaking of bike rides, I got home at midnight last night and decided to go for one. Probably not the smartest decision to go on a solo bike ride at midnight but I did it anyway. Went to the coffee shop and tried to draw a lamp for L which turned out super shitty so I trashed it and decided to go with lollipops. Got bored and pedaled home, in time to talk to my neighbor and his friend about bikes. Hence, the plans to go to the Gallivan Center occurred. I'm glad I get along with my neighbors, I've lived so many places where I don't even talk to them and here I am friends with them, it's pretty rad. And I love riding my bike. I almost never want the bike ride to end. I need new road tires because I'm riding around on mountain bike tires which makes it a bit harder but I still love riding it. So, yay for bikes too!

Here's C:

...the letter j

Maybe this has become too much of a dumping ground. All I really write about is stuff that us bothering me or that I am pissed off about. Complain, complain, it's really not that attractive. I try really hard not to complain in real life because I get annoyed with people who do that (especially certain teachers at my school). So, then, blogspot becomes my backup complain enter. I'm really a very happy person. I love life. I should make number stickers that say "Don't judge me by my blog" or "I am not my blog." HAHA! What a good idea.

So, I have been working on this series of drawings of my own illustrated alphabet. This is A.

They are on 9"x12" Bristol in Sakura Micron pen. I am up to K except that I skipped J because I could not think of a good one. A is acorn/apple tree, B is bottle/bubble, C is carrot, D is dragonfly/doorway, E is earring/eye, F is fish, G is graveyard/ghost/girl, H is heart, I is ice cream, K is kite. But I cannot think of a good one for J. Joker, Juice, Jam or Jelly, Jack in the Box...none of these really appeal to me. Usually I just know exactly which one I want to draw, it just jumps out at me but this is not happening with J. I will probably end up doing juice and not being entirely satisfied with it. I just finished H last night and today I will start on L for lamp/light. I was going to draw a lighthouse but my lighthouse just ended up looking very phallic so I changed my mind. I'm excited about this series. I find that if I give myself assignments, I don't get artist block. It's when I'm trying to pull a single idea out of the air that I get stuck, usually I get really stuck when there are too many possibilities. So, I give myself assignments. "An illustrated alphabet" and then automatically, there are 26 drawings to complete, each with specific parameters. I have some other assignments in mind when I am done with this one. Numbers 1-10, I'm going to use insects, like 1 butterfly, 2 ladybugs, 3 spiders, etc; the Kings and Queens in a deck of cards; Alice in Wonderland characters; maybe the Twelve Dancing Princesses. I don't know, the first two for sure, the second two are maybes. There is an artist I like named Stephanie Pui-Mun Law who is illustrating a Tarot deck. This is the Fool card. Her stuff is so organic and gorgeous, I love it. A Tarot deck would be such an ambitious undertaking. The alphabet is proving to be more ambitious than I planned. The first three took me like 8 months but the last few I have been cruising through. I needed to get the hang of it I guess. I really like my drawings. I get really into them. I find myself getting lost in the lines. I'm kind of a perfectionist when it comes to my drawings, very meticulous about the lines. I have Micron pens all the way from .08 to .005 just to make sure that my lines are as perfect as I can make them. But I love that feeling. The total immersion in something. I love it when I get caught up in a drawing and then when I take a breath and look up, hours have passed. I take such pride in my work. Maybe that's why I'm scared to show it in galleries or anything because I get worried that other people won't care. I worry about other people's opinions. I know I shouldn't, I know I should just go for it but I get nervous. I have come so close to having gallery shows or having my stuff displayed and then backed out at the last minute or never come through with it. But nothing is ever going to happen if I don't try. I'm hoping living in an artist' community will help me. It will be expected of me. We have our own gallery that is opened up during each gallery stroll and they ask people who live here to contribute to that one. Also, my neighbor two doors down wants me to work on some paintings with him. He wants me to draw things on canvas in my style and then he will paint them and abstract them in his. It's a good chance.

Here is a picture of my new tattoo. It's all scabbed up and tight feeling right now and pretty annoying actually. But it's pretty. And I'm not even going to lie, tattoos on your foot f-ing hurt.

Last few days: saw Journey in concert, got a tattoo on my foot, went to the bar a lot, made a stupid decision, went on a date with a very cute artist boy, slept in a bunch, ate rice and cheese burritos from Beto's, got in a fight with my sister, went to a sex toy party, got drunk, smoked too much. I've been busy.

Sometimes my roommate drives me fucking crazy. He was talking today about how he took his daughter to the pool to go swimming and got pissed because half the pool was taken up by "fat asses jumping up and down and waving their arms. fat people should be banned from the pool." So, I got into this argument with him about it because it pissed me off that he said that. Oh so, because he is scrawny, he has more of a right to be in the pool than fat people? At least those people are doing something about it, at least they got out of their house and are trying to fix their current situation. I pointed out his hypocrisy in the matter too...he bitches about overweight people and how much they bug him because they don't do anything about it, they just eat and don't exercise and get fatter yet then he turns around and bitches about how much he hates fat people at the pool and the gym, getting in his way. WTF? Am I the only one who sees the problem with this? So, what would YOU like them to do? Where does he deem them ALLOWED to go? Fuckin bullshit. I told him that he is like the stupid kid in elementary school who made fun of the fat kid in order to hide his own intellectual faults. I am still annoyed about this and we had this discussion almost an hour ago.

My neighbor two doors down asked me to collaborate on some paintings with him. Sweetness.

...the bongo

It's a big one. I have a lot to say.

1. Visited the friend. We watched South Park for two hours and he made me try this hot jalapeno jelly stuff he got and I almost died. I think flames literally shot out of my throat for hours. It doesn't help that I am sensitive to spicy...as in I love it but it does not love me. I especially like Thai and Indian spicy, that's tasty spicy, Mexican spicy just hurts. Off topic. We had a good time. We laughed about how we have hung out for years and even hooked up from time to time but we have never dated. We would kill each other. But we would have great makeup sex. Eh, skip the dating and killing each other, we'll just have the sex anyway. I think the reason we get along is because we are so different. He is Mr. corporate fancy weightlifting money bags who dates perfect little blondes and I am Ms. big, loud, and inappropriate. We reside in such different worlds that it's always interesting to hang out with each other.

2. This is what I did yesterday. Ok, ready for this. It's really not that exciting actually. I slept in until noon, drank coffee and read a book while in the bubble bath for two hours, read some more, took a nap, did a load of dishes, played on the internets, texted a bunch, and then went to C's house. Wow, I love this job.

3. I LOVE where I live. I met some other neighbors tonight, two doors down. I was coming home from my sister's hair show and had to walk past them to get to my door and they say, "Can we ask you a question?" I say, "Sure." "We would like your opinion in our coffee debate." wtf? Who just stops their neighbor and says this. It's freaking awesome. "Local coffee shop or chain coffee store like Starbucks?" So, I join in the debate and inform them that Starbucks is the McDonald's of coffee but I admit to liking iced caramel macchiatos but I prefer local shops for atmospheric purposes and so it goes. Twenty minutes later.

4. My sister's hair show. Dude, an Elvis impersonator for 45 minutes? Seriously? Yes, for real. The hair show was ok, not really my scene, I think I could see clouds of estrogen and AquaNet wafting in from backstage. But I love my sister. And the Diana Ross impersonator was a 6'5" black cross dresser who OWNED that fucking stage. I want him to be my best friend. And I was extremely amused that the Britney Spears group included her foray into Sinead O'Connor land (Sinead pulled it off, Britney didn't but hey we gotta give her props for trying right?). All I gotta say is, next year when I'm performing choreographed moves to Born to Be Wild in my school's end of the year assembly, my sister better be in the front fucking row.

5. Scary story: When I was driving home from C's house last night, this dude in all black bolted in front of my car and stopped. I slammed my brakes and swerved and he ran off to the other side of the road. I pull over to calm down because I feel like my spinal column exploded. As I start to pull back out onto the road after a minute of hyperventilating and choice language, I look in my rear view mirror and some other dude in all black is running up to the back of my car. So of course, like any sane person, I hit the gas. And the dude starts chasing my car! Scary! There's like no one else on the road, there's no way I'm stopping for some creepy dude in all black who is chasing my car! I called the cops and told them what happened so they could check it out. But I was scared there for a second. Scratch that, I was terrified there for a second.

6. Sad story: Some high school kids climbed up on the roof of my school a few days ago. Their soccer coach came over to tell them to get down and one of the kids ran away and when he ran over one of the glass skylights, the glass broke and the kids fell through onto the gym floor and died almost instantly. They were not ever my students but still, how sad and horrible is that?

7. Last but not least, I ended up at the bongo tonight, after several attempted other plans. Surprise, who shows up, Mr. cool guy who I liked and then got weird. But it was ok, because we are friends now and he really is such an awesome guy and I liked talking to him. He looked cute tonight which isn't fair. I decided long ago that as soon as something doesn't work out with a guy, he should immediately turn ugly, that would help me out. So, it ends up being me and the 3 guys who I always hang out with there. And we start having this, like, writing circle thing. I don't know what else to call it. We are all taking turns writing things in my book and in this little book thing Jeff had. Song lyrics, quotes, sayings, freestyle thoughts. And some of the stuff turned really damn good. I typed it up on my myspace blog (http://ww.myspace.com/MissPolyjones). Incredible. It was a good time. It's amazing what unexpected things happen sometimes. I'm inspired, I need to start writing again and do it often.

I just didn't want to forget all this stuff. And now my allergy pill has kicked in and I'm about to land on the keyboard.

...the new place

Yay, I have internet now.

I am moved into my new place but not settled yet. Still have some unpacking and organizing to do. But I'm having a hard time being motivated to do so, it seems. I love this place. I am walking/ biking distance from almost everything. My neighbor is awesome. Last night we ate fruit snacks and bitched about boys. The dating pool is not better on that side either apparently. It's a cool place. I rode my bike to the Gateway a few days ago and visited the bookstore. Me and my friend, Chris walked to the club last night, had some drinks and walked home. We had girls night last week, which was so much fun. We were hanging out on the front porch and watched some guy get arrested. So yeah, fun. Wait what? Arrested what? That's right. I live across the street from the homeless shelter. So, there's always something going on. Drug deals, people stripping in the street, talking to themselves, getting arrested. It's crazy. When we were walking home last night, some guy came up to Chris and started asking him weird questions. Like propositioning him or something. It's ok though. They kind of stick to their world and we stick to ours. The neighbors tell me they have never had any problems. It's pretty chill. Except that I left my bike locked up outside and someone stole the lights off of it. Good thing I always take the front wheel off or I might not even have a bike at all. Fuckers.

I'm having so much fun! It's summer and I don't have schoolwork to do and I'm sleeping in and taking long baths and drinking coffee at night time and reading and going out. It's amazing. I feel so much better. Better than I have in weeks. Apparently this move was just what I needed. If only my house was all set up now. I'm not too worried about that though.

I think I am going to Ogden tonight to see an old friend. This old friend is a "friend." I've known him since I was probably 19. He used to be one of the popular guys at my high school and I was an art nerd. Needless to say, our circles did not mix if you know what I mean. But we met up afterwards(long story involving a wrong number, Target and a chick named Lydia). It's kind of weird, hanging out with someone who would never have even given me the time of day when we were in HS. But we have been friends for almost ten years now so I guess it's not so weird anymore. I didn't talk to him for a while because I was with Jason but we started talking again today. It's nice to re-meet old friends.

When I was unpacking I found this old book called Writing for Self Discovery. It has little exercises to help you become a better writer while also helping you explore yourself. I was flipping through it and I think I may start using it. On here. So tomorrow, I will write Exercise 1: At This Moment.

Today I noticed: two liter sodas ALWAYS go flat after two days, no matter how tightly you screw the cap on.

...ok

I've spent the majority of the day being mopey and depressed. Wait, what have I done today, really? Now that I think about it I really honestly have not done anything today. I went to Wild Oats for black pepper cashews and a chocolate chip zucchini muffin. I watched 27 Dresses. I started a new book and got to pg 57. I took a shower. I let Jason take pictures of me so he could practice with his new flash unit. I don't mind being the model because then I get good pictures of myself. And I smoked two cigarettes, despite the fact that I technically quit smoking a while ago. I think if I add all that up, it does not amount to the nine hours I have been awake. So what did I do for the other few hours? I do not know. It doesn't matter now.

I do feel much better right now though, than I have all day. That's because I deleted someone from my phone. So I cannot message him even if I wanted to. And I feel like I purged myself of an uncomfortable situation. I think I have decided that I am not ready to date anyone quite yet. I am not in the right frame of mind for it. I will just overanalyze everything and make myself and the other person crazy. Which is what I did in this case. Whew. It's refreshing to get that confession off my chest. Here it is again, in case anyone missed it: I AM AN OVERANALYTCAL, SELF CONSCIOUS, OBNOXIOUS, IMPATIENT PERSON AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE. I read too much into things, I get too attached, I try too hard, I move too fast, I take things too personally, I talk too much, I apologize too much, I am not good at maintaining a sense of mystery, I don't play hard to get, and I spend most of my time doing the wrong thing at the wrong time and usually with the wrong person. There you have it. The honest to God truth. He is a really cool guy and I was not the cool girl he deserved. And that's ok. Another lesson to be chalked up next to the thousands of others. Maybe someday I will get it.
Thank GOD for dark beer, cigarettes, and everyone who puts up with my bullshit, including but not limited to, Tanica, Jason, Michelle, Andrew, and my mom.

Oh and thank God school is out because I think I would be the most frazzled, grumpy teacher ever right now because of these reasons: Red Lobster, moving, waiting for my place, packing, artist block, money, and this whole guy thing. One at a time these are easy things but all at the same time makes for one unhappy Miss H. Although, actually, if I was completely honest, my students are probably exactly what I need right now. They always know how to make me laugh or feel better. And school keeps me busy and preoccupied. I remember a really bad day and C, one of my seventh graders, says, "Miss H, you don't seem as happy as you usually are." I say, "It's true C. I just feel down today for some reason." His response, "I'm sorry you're having a bad day Miss H. But it's ok to have a bad day sometimes though, everybody does. We understand, we have bad days too. Want me to make up a joke to help you feel better?" Ok, I just made myself miss school. I wonder what words of wisdom C would have for me about having a bad MONTH.

...update

So, I got a call from my new place. The previous tenant moved out this weekend so I get to move in next week. Yay! I'm so excited about it. No more waiting in limbo. A few days and I'm artspace bound. Which is also good because I have six full days off and I was honestly wondering what the hell I was going to do with myself for six days. At least now I will be busy.

About the guy situation: I'm ok. Really. I just think we tried it out and it didn't work and that's ok. I do not want to lose my friends(including him) because of it. Thats the way it goes. You hang out with someone, see if something happens and if it does fantastic, but if it doesn't, that's ok too. I just wish I knew what really happened. No matter what it is. I'm a big girl, I can handle it. I just would rather know and not have to wonder about it. I'm not mad about it, just curious. I just wish I could tell him all this.

Also, I am going to gay pride tomorrow with some friends and it's going to be rad.

...stupid stuff

School is over for this year. My second year of teaching is completed. And I am officially hired back for next year. Same thing, 4 periods of 9th grade English and 2 periods of 7th grade Art. I'm excited for summer. The last day of school was pointless. I only had one class of students because my ninth graders were done the day before. So I had my one class help me clean my classroom. It is beautiful. It will remain so until probably about the third week of school. It doesn't take long. Anyway, cheers to summer. Sometimes when there is no school, I don't really know what to do myself. School occupies so much of my time and energy that without it, it feels weird and I don't really know what to do. Oh well, I will get into the swing of it. I am going to make a list of goals for this summer:
1. Prepare for next school year
2. Read all the YA books that are on my to read list
3. Read some adult books too
4. Finish up to "M" on my alphabet
5. Complete a very large canvas painting
6. Pay off my VISA card and my loan
7. Save up some money for rent through the school year
8. Start yoga class with Kim
9. Ride my bike or walk every day
10. Get back to the healthy eating habits I used to have before I became a lazy teacher
11. Move into my new place and make it awesome!
12. Go out and have fun a bunch!
13. Spend some quality me time

About my new place, what a pain in the butt this is. The woman who lives there now won't leave. She informed them that she was canceling her 30 days and wasn't going to leave. They told her that she signed a contract to be out in 30 days and that it had already been rented to someone else. Doesn't matter, she still won't leave. So, now they have to evict her and get attorneys involved. And if she still doesn't leave, they have to charge her with trespassing. In the meantime, I have to wait until she leaves to be able to move in. I was supposed to move in yesterday and now I'm just waiting. Everything is in boxes and shambles, ready to be moved and I have to just wait. Lame.

Another lame thing, I started hanging out with someone so totally cool. He is so awesome, cute and smart and funny. We like the same books and the same movies and he's a great kisser. It seemed like we were having so much fun and getting along really well and all of a sudden two nights ago he changed. Acted so distant and now he barely acknowledges me. I f-ing hate stuff like this. I have no idea what I did wrong, or if I even did anything wrong. This is why I always avoid dating because of exactly stuff like this. I don't deal with uncertainty very well. I start feeling really self-conscious and my confidence goes out the window and I start apologizing too much and trying to fix it which in the end only makes it worse. I freak myself out exactly when I shouldn't no matter how much I try not to. I'm not even attached and just wanted to have fun and hang out with nothing serious but as soon as it started to feel weird, I freaked myself out and started worrying. I hate that I do that. I'm ok now I think. I decided last night that I don't really care. What happens, happens. I'm ok with whatever. But one thing is for sure, I am not going to bug him anymore, no more pursuit from me. That doesn't seem to stop me from checking my phone though. Blah.

Enough mopiness. I need to go put my clothes in the dryer.

...4 more days

The schedule for this week: Monday- Assembly in which I am performing in a dance and a skit with some other teachers. Tuesday- Yearbook Day Wednesday-Historians Assembly Thursday-what the fuck? Why do we even have school on Thursday, I'm not even entirely sure. It's not like we have actually been doing anything for the past week. I spent Friday with the kids who did actually attend school, which was not very many, teaching them how to play the card game Speed. I think I had about 5 kids in each class, well except for the one where I had 13. It's a waste. But we had fun. We were having Speed tournaments. I told them we could play cards but gambling was strictly forbidden. Oh we also played a game called JabberJot in two of the classes. It's a game where you pull a certain number of random pictures and 3 random words and you have 2 minutes to write a story about the three pictures that includes the three words. The goal is to be funny. We had some really good ones! It's a brain stretcher, that's for sure. My favorite one I wrote was this, "One night as I was relaxing and enjoying my hot fudge sundae by candlelight, I noticed a UFO stop outside my window. Hello! Interrupting much! The appalling audacity, I couldn't believe it! The astronaut in the UFO motioned towards his mouth and I could make out the word, "HUNGRY." So I opened the window and gave him the melted remains of my ice cream sundae and he gave me two dancing wooden mannikins that he had picked up at IKEA as a gift. Thanks...I think." The words were sundae, audacity, and astronaut. The pictures were of a candle, a UFO, and two dancing wooden mannikins. It was a stretch, I know. It was fun. Honestly, this is the BEST part about teaching...when we get to hang out like that.I get to know my students and they get to know me and we have an enjoyable time. My favorite part of being a teacher is getting to know them and building relationships with them and being a trusted role model. It's a lot of pressure too, but so worth it. It makes me hold myself to a higher standard and I appreciate that.

I have been so busy packing and getting ready to move. It's craziness. I'm so excited for my artspace, I just hate the moving part. I drove past the townhouses again last night, just to convince myself that they really exist, I guess. And that I will be there within the week. I have managed to accumulate a lot of shit over the years. Every time I move there is more and more. I'm thisclose to hiring some movers. 100 bucks an hour, I can handle that. I think.

Red Lobster blows. I was there for 8 hours and made 87 bucks because we were so dead and I had a shitty section and two tables screwed me over. A family that made a HUGE mess left me 2 bucks on 70. And, I got in trouble three separate times on Saturday. For being late, for not coming in prepared to work and for using my phone. I hate how I'm in charge all week and then I go to the restaurant on Saturdays where I'm the bottom of the totem pole and feel like I am being babysat and nagged. It's disconcerting. I went to the bar after work and was bad company because I was so tired and down feeling.

I need to snap out of this. I'm usually so bubbly and lively and I feel like a big puddle of blah. And this seems to have become my place to unload it all. I just need to feel in control again. I feel like I'm stuck, like the wheels are spinning but the car's not moving.

...some weird days

It has been the strangest few days. I don't really know why, it just feels strange. Off somehow. Maybe because I'm nervous about moving and feeling sad about not being with Jason anymore. It was just a weird weekend. I had an extra day and managed to accomplish nothing. No packing, no laundry, no cleaning, nothing.

First, Saturday was Red Lobster so it sucked. As usual. I love life too much to be working at such a mind numbingly dull second job.

Sunday, I overheard my sister get in a fight with her boyfriend on the phone in which they argued about whether to breakup. Which is weird, because they always seemed like such a happy couple to me. They worked it out, which is good.

Yesterday, my friend Jen bought tickets to see Mike Ness, so I went to the show with her. The show was really cool. I got hit on by a guy who was probably 10-15 years older than me. He was so shy and self conscious that I couldn't be rude. I gave him my number. He called tonight. But I don't really want to go out with him and I don't know how to go about it. I'm so awkward at stuff like this. I've been with Jason for two years, I'm out of practice when it comes to being single. Plus, I don't get hit on a lot so I never know how to handle it. After the show, Jen and I went to a bar with some of my friends. Everyone proceeded to get shitfaced except for me because I had school the next morning and was the driver. When I say shitfaced, I mean so drunk that I literally had to walk each of them out to the car one at a time and help them get in. One kept trying to convince me that he wanted to have sex with me. One tried to lay down in the sidewalk, I had to pull over for one to puke and then he started crying because he said he was embarassed. I did not get home until 3 am. I don't mind though, we had fun. And I know they would do the same for me. In fact, I expect them to one day haha. It was surreal almost. I have not been told I'm awesome so many times in one night in my life. They all wrote me within five minutes of each other this morning, saying thanks and sorry.

Today, oh Holy Mother of God, today. I was thisclose to calling in a sub but thank goodness I did not because unbeknownst to me, mostly because I don't pay attention at faculty meetings very well, today was locker cleanout day. We have not had any locker cleanouts throughout this year and I now know that was a big mistake. I have never seen so much crap crammed into such small spaces before in my life. And they left such a mess. I was supposed to check and sign off a section of 20 lockers and I told everyone in my section that I would not sign them off until everyone was done and everything was off the floor in that area. So, my section of lockers was relatively clean. But the rest of the hall was a danger zone. They just threw all their paper and books and garbage right on the floor. Kids were slipping on all the paper. Granted, it gets messy during locker cleanout but this was just disgustingly ridiculous. I was embarassed. Then, kids were supposed to go back to their first period until the final bell but since I'm right by the front door, I noticed that kids were trying to sneak away so I stood guard at the door. While I was standing guard, I notice a group of kids farther down the hall throwing garbage at each other and trying to run and slip through the paper and roll garbage cans at each other, spilling everything out of them in the process. So I head down there and ask what's going on. And get this, they get attitude with me! "Who do you think you are, getting in our faces? You're not our teacher! We don't have to listen to you." I was like, "Oh no, you just did not start a battle of attitude because that is a battle you will lose." I herded them into their classroom, where they had a sub, and told them not to leave until the principal gets there. One kid responds with, "Mr. Moody is a dookie." I respond with, "Guess who just got themselves detention. Anyone else want a turn?" But of course, the bell rings before the principal gets there and they all take off. In the meantime of all this, my class is just hanging out in my room. Here is a little background on this particular class I intercepted. This class belongs to a 7th/8th grade English teacher who is retiring this year. But her students have been watching movies and listening to audiotapes for many years now. They come to me in the ninth from her class knowing how to take movie notes and sneak ipods in their hoodies. We all know she hasn't been teaching anything but what can you do. So, when I went into that class today all I could think was, "And I get you next year." And a little part of me hopes I get them next year. Because I don't deal very well with disrespect and that's what these kids have because that's what they've gotten away with. I'm sure I sound like a crotchety old woman but this is the honest to god truth. I am the most laidback, easygoing person in the world and my students know this. That's why we have so much fun. But they also know that I don't take shit. And that's why they trust me.
Can I just say...I love my little junior highers to pieces, they are fun and amazing little people and I learn so much from them but sometimes some of them just piss me right off.
7 days left...thank the Lord.

...some fun stuff

It's weird. Fridays are short days but they feel like they take sooo long.

"Miss H, you're like one of my favorite teachers ever. For lots of reasons. But mostly because you can read really good."
??? "Ok, that's a good reason" I say.
"Well, like when you read out loud to us, you don't go too fast or too slow and you make it sound interesting. Other teachers read out loud and it's like torture. Plus, when you talk about stuff, it's interesting the way you say it."
I think I can honestly say that is one of the best compliments I have ever gotten in my whole life.

There are 8 days of school left. And while I am very excited for summer break, I am also kind of sad. We had fun this year. It's been a good one. Some good kids. I'm sad to see them go. I'm reluctant to hand my little ninth graders over to the great whirlpool we call high school. Next year, it's all new kids and all new attitudes. I got this group down now. I know what it takes and now I have to start all over again. I will miss the little kiddies.

I announce with great pride and pleasure the amazing opportunity I have received. I am going to be a chaperone on the ninth grade Lagoon field trip. Whooooo!

Also, we are having a Faculty Follies assembly, where the faculty does the skits and stuff. I am in the dance. With 6 other teachers. My school faculty are such party poopers. Only 6 of us volunteered to be in it. I suck at dancing and singing and performance stuff. I can draw. And talk. I'm a damn good schmoozer. But I can't dance. But I'm taking one for the team and dancing to a remix of Born to Be Wild. Yay. I will let you know how I survive that. I just hope that I don't biff it in front of my whole school.

I saw 10,000 BC at the dollar theater with my brother yesterday. Not near as epic as we were hoping. And what a hokey ending. Come on. The coolest part was the slave revolution and that only lasted like 3 minutes and was so anticlimactic. Ten thousand slaves versus like 20 soldiers and 10 priest guys. Lots of really hot scantily clad scruffy dudes though. And it's a little hard to feel victorious at the end when you know that the Egyptians, Aztecs, Incas, Romans, Brits, Vikings...etc etc etc are next in history. The white guys and the African guys all work together and then 12,000 years later, the white guys steal the African guys and make them slaves all over again. And everybody was dirty and dred-y except for their perfect, gleaming, white teeth. And I want a saber tooth tiger as my bodyguard. Good thing I only paid a dollar.

I rode my bike to Greenhouse Effect coffee shop. It's about 15 blocks away. It was a sweet ride. And then I drew in my sketchbook. And they make the best iced mochas ever and trust me, I have had a lot of iced mochas from a lot of different places. I have noticed something though...about coffee shops. There are the same people who hang out at every single one. They have different faces but they are the same people. The same "types" of people. There is always the obnoxious just barely 21 year olds and sit and talk about getting drunk and use words like "thingamabobber. There's always the gothic couple who sit and rub each other's hands while their friend(because there is always one friend with them) spys on myspace. There is always the old dude who dresses and talks and acts like he is still 20 and he is usually dressed like a biker. There is always the two normal people who look like they are out of place somehow, usually a new married couple, a mom and daughter or sisters. There is usually someone who has a mohawk. Someone who is wearing all black. Someone who is chainsmoking Camel Reds. Someone with a much too oversized hoodie splashed with the logo of some shitty band like ICP. And there is always a loner sitting by themselves, drawing in a sketchbook or writing crappy poetry in a Moleskine. That would be me.

Does anyone want to buy me a copy of Life Aquatic? Because I was just thinking about how much it rocks today.

...dammit

We started part 3 of Fahrenheit. And the first ten pages say the word damn. a lot. oh no. so I warned them about it because you honestly never know who will be upset by it. One kid in seventh was like, "serious? Like we haven't all said that word on our own like a ton of times." I replied, "Of course not. You are all perfect angels who do nothing wrong, right?" followed by a very meaningful look. They caught on that I was joking and all answered, "Ohhh, yeah of course we are." I had one kid in sixth and one in seventh who graciously offered to provide "beeps" whenever the word damn came up. I told them that I was still going to read them because that's the way the book was written but they could provide a beep at the right time if they wanted. N in 6th was right on cue every time but J in 7th just wasn't on it. He always got anxious and "beeped" before I even got to the word or "beeped" long after I said it. One time, I could tell he was gearing up for it and then the word came up and he yelled, "'Dammit!' Oh no! Oops!! I meant beep!! I was reading the word and said it on accident, oops! sorry!" Right after he yelled dammit, his eyes got huge and he started spluttering apologies and the class cracked up and he looked so genuinely mortified that I couldn't say anything because it was so obviously an accident. We had a good laugh about it though. I told the class, "Oh good, now you can all go home and be like 'guess what I did in school today? listened to Miss H say the d word a whole bunch.'" Well, at least we had a good day. I really do try to make them laugh at least once each period. It lightens the mood and makes school that much less irritating.

10 days to go! I'm trying to get rid of some stuff. at home and at school. My classroom has been a disaster for about a week while I try to clean out my cupboards and get everything put away. My house has been a disaster for even longer while I try to go through stuff and get rid of stuff and pack. I just feel so heavy. So laden. Not just my house and classroom but everything. My body. My mind. Everything. Like I need to do some major spring cleaning and renovation. Like I need to get rid of STUFF. I need to be healthier and lighter and cleaner and neater. Then I will feel so much better. Maybe this move is a good thing. A fresh, new thing.

Next year, I am going to use Poetry 180. It's a program endorsed by Billy Collins. Who I saw speak in Ogden last year and who is fucking incredibly witty and brilliant. 180 of the best poems, according to him, are gathered into books. There are 180 school days...so one poem for each day. And this program is designed to get students used to just appreciating language. Each day, you read a poem from the book. There is no assignment with it, nothing to write or answer or analyze. You just read it. One a day. And the goal is to get students used to just hearing language and poetry and learning to see the beauty of it rather than groaning with the prospect of having to pick it apart and put the pieces under a microscope, like they seem to have to do with so many assignments in English class. I think it will be a routine next year. Each day, starter will be 3 minutes, correct the starter, then read a poem. I really like that idea.

I saw Prince Caspian this weekend. Ok, honestly, I am such a fantasy geek I have decided. I love that shit for some reason. Golden Compass, Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter....hell yes. Plus, I loved loved loved the Regina Spektor song at the end of the movie.It sucks though, you have to buy the whole soundtrack to get te song on itunes, it's not available on its own. damn. maybe payday.

...???

"Miss H, you know how in Mrs. W's class, the seventh graders write letters at the end of the year to the next year's seventh graders, like giving advice and stuff? Well, most people wrote that if you get Mrs. Z to talk about different stuff, you don't have to do any work and how Mrs. C is really strict and everybody wrote how you always lose papers but I said that you were awesome and the coolest teacher ever!"

???
I don't know whether I should be flattered or annoyed.
What's so funny about this is that I still have every assignment that has ever been turned in, in my filing cabinet and my no name basket has about 150 damn papers in it.

We let the butterflies go yesterday. It was a perfect day for it.
The kids are being super squirelly. Can we just get this(meaning the school year) over with already? But seventh period was fun. For some reason, I was still in a bad mood today but it started to lift as the day went on and then by seventh I was pretty much ok. So, hopefully that means tomorrow I will be all the way ok.

I've been packing up my stuff. Going through all my books and stuff. Trying to figure out what to get rid of. My house looks like a train wreck. I think I've gotten really bad, healthwise, this year too. Getting a candy bar from the machine has become a habit rather than a treat. I rarely wash my face at night because I'm so tired. These are not good habits. This is why I have developed a muffin top and feel like crap so often. I really think that it is exactly why. I know I feel better when I am in better shape and eat healthier so why don't I do it? Why do I insist on eating a creamie after school and pizza for lunch every day? Instant gratification. I got to stop that shit asap.

I am loving the little pink flowers on the tree outside my window.

...a bad mood

I was so bitchy today. I don't even know why. Maybe because it's monday. and a full moon. and 11 days until the end of the school year. and i went to bed late last night. But I was just so easily annoyed. Kids who were talking while I was talking, and texting in class, and asking me stupid questions like "where do I sign up for supplies?" when they have been signing up for supplies in the exact same place for 6 months. So then afterwards, I go to the store to get some creamer for my coffee tomorrow and the lines are loong and I get stuck behind the lady ringing up 75 petunia plants who doesn't know how to work the self checkout. I was so frustrated! Thank God I am back home. I am not leaving my house again tonight, I do not want to deal with the world. And why don't stores give away boxes anymore. Every store I ask says they can't. I'm sorry if I think 2 bucks a box is way too much to pay. Geez. I think the problem is all in me. I am probably just being way too fucking impatient and testy. I need a nap.

...about some great news

here is something that every english teacher longs to hear and I heard it today...

"We only have eight full days in here and we have 110 pages to read still. I want to show you guys some clips from some different movies that are based on this story so I think we are going to have to skip Part 2. Don't worry though. I will tell you what happens, we will read a spark notes type thing on it. We will just skip right to Part 3. That way we get thought it and read the most important parts."

*J says, "But Miss H, we can't skip a whole big part of the book! It's getting interesting now. We can't just skip stuff. I'm into it"

When was the last time a student was disappointed that we were going to not have to read the whole book? haha!

and in third period, I said the same thing and got this.
*M says, "Miss H, I think I'm just going to read this again over the summer. I read better on my own when I can just really pay attention and think about what is happening. And then I can also read the part we skip."

?!?!?!
Did that really just come out of a ninth grader's mouth? What magic have I worked with this book? Kids not wanting to skip some pages and wanting to re-read it over the summer? Yay! My little heart has leapt with joy!

They also keep asking me to read to them. They don't mind reading silently but they don't want to listen to the audiobook, they have told me that they pay better attention when I read and that they enjoy my version better. Double yay! This compliment also means, however, that I read aloud for 4 hours a day. But I don't mind.

In other news, I got my artspace townhouse! They are these artist work/live spaces downtown and they are kind of hard to get into. I submitted a portfolio, had an interview, had a background and credit check and found out today that I got it! Triple yay! So, now the packing starts. And then the moving and oh man, I hate the moving. It doesn't help that I have soo much stuff. I need to downsize.

Gallery stroll tonight.

...about cell phones

I forgot to mention. I hate cell phones. Can I just say that? Put the damn thing away! I mean this in the context of my classroom of course. Students cannot live 45 minutes without texting. I was reading to the class today in 3rd period and I could see five texters going at it...and I wasn't even looking directly at them. It's ridiculous. The school policy is that they have to be turned off at school. Yeah, that happens. And if you try to take it away, it becomes a standoff. I don't even ask for them anymore because if I do, I know that it means a ten minute disruption of class. Instead, I take off points. And I tell you what, I have some kiddies who are going to a little surprised when they get their grade and see that they have lost 70 points because of texting. The best is when they text people that are in the same class or even better, their mom! They say, "But Miss H,it's my mom!" Like that makes it ok. This is my new response that I have started using and it makes me feel really mean and giggle a little bit at the same time. A child who has spent the entire lesson texting raises their hand and says, "What are we supposed to do miss h?" My response: "I don't know, why don't you ask the person you were texting? They were obviously more deserving of your attention. I already taught it once, you're going to have to find someone who is willing to teach it again." I just don't have the patience for it anymore. It is the one thing that always receives a smartass comment from me. I can't help it.

...a new idea

Today in Art class, we worked on a new page in our art journals called Watercolor Spot and Salt. It's two very simple watercolor techniques that are fun and pretty cool. I was walking around looking and talked and I noticed a kid with a cool spidery feathery type design on his paper and I stopped. "*C that looks so cool. What did you do?" "I blew the paint around on the paper. After I put some salt on it, I had this little puddle so I blew on it and that's what it made." I got so excited I went and got this random box of straws that I inherited in my cupboards and pretty soon had every kid blowing paint around on their paper. *C was so proud of himself. So, this page has been renamed Watercolor Spot, Salt, and Straw. We got all excited about the project and everyone got totally into it. I love when stuff like this happens. I call them happy accidents. A student says, "Miss H, my tape got all wadded up and now there's this weird bubbly ink spot." "Well, look how cool it is though, that's a happy accident." My other catchphrase is, "Think of it as a creative challenge." "Miss H, I can't get this design to look right, will you fix it for me?" "If I fix it, then it's my art and not yours. Think of it as a creative challenge. Find a way to solve it. Like a puzzle." They can finish the sentence for me now. I start with, "Think of it as a..." and they grumble, "...creative challenge, like a puzzle. I know."

I was grumpy teacher in sixth period. I know it's the end of the year and all but they were being so obnoxious and loud during the DOL. I kept having to add silent time to the timer and they still weren't shutting up so finally I said forget it! and made them read the next 5 pages of Farenheit 451 silently and then gave them a surprise quiz afterwards. I had a good 15 minutes of silence and finished writing my emails to parents. It was nice.

I told my seventh period that they were going to read a few pages on their own because, "storytime is nice but you need to read like big kids sometimes too." They laughed. We have a really good time in seventh. It's a good chemistry in there. I try in the other english classes but they just don't have the same mix and they don't laugh at my silliness. Some do but some have the, "you're lame" attitude and won't budge.

I have also decided, well decided a long time ago, but become very convinced that teaching is making me fat. I have gained a pant size, almost two in the past two years of teaching. Because I nibble and snack and eat school lunch pizza and get chocolate from the machine and drink tons of coffee (I have a coffee maker in my room. miss h is synonymous with the smell of coffee) or the PTA caters lunch or brings ice cream. For example, we have one kid whose grandmother works at a bakery and about once a week she brings in a load of day olds. So once a week our lounge is filled with cakes and muffins and breads and treats. Evil! Like today even, I ate this huge slice of lemon cream cake because it just looked so good. And then I wanted something salty so I got some Cheezits. It's a vicious cycle. And I snack when I get bored, like during my prep when I'm planning and answering the emails. I try really hard, I have a fridge filled with fruit and veggies and I have whole wheat crackers and dried fruit and mini bags of popcorn. But do I eat that stuff when I want a snack? Of course I don't. I buy peanut M&Ms.

...butterflies

My butterflies hatched today! I always have some little animal thing going on in my room like an ant farm, aquasaurs, sea monkeys, etc. My students really dig it. They like to watch it. Anyway, now I have butterflies. I had caterpillars and they made cacoons and today they started hatching out of their cacoons. (ps the word cacoon does not look right, did I spell it wrong?) One hatched during sixth period and the other during seventh. I was sitting on my tall stool, reading the next ten pages of Fahrenheit 451 and the butterfly holder was sitting on the desk in front of me facing the class. And it hatched while I was reading. So some of them saw it but I didn't. The kid in front was joking about not being able to stop watching the butterflies. After it hatched, I asked him if he saw it and he nodded. I said, "And you didn't tell me?!?!?" He laughed and said, "Well, I was too distracted, you put them right in front of me, I couldn't think straight." So anyway, I have butterflies.

And I bought stuffed salmon for dinner and failed to read the ingredient list. And there are onions. What a waste of 8 bucks. If there is any food on this earth that will make me go into tremors of disgust, it is onions. The smell, the texture, the taste....gross gross gross. They ruin the flavor of anything they are added to. I have tried too. I promise, I really have. I'm 27. I still hate onions. I think that's just the way it will always be. Although, I guess this salmon is not totally wasted. I just unstuffed it.

So, it is about 15 days until the end of the school year. This is not good. This means I have 11 days to finish the novel and we are on page 22. I guess I'm going to be skipping some stuff. I always start cleaning out my room this time of year. Emptying my filing cabinets and cupboards. It's always amazing how many things I find that I thought were lost forever, how many books I retrieve and things I have that would have been so nice to use during class, but I had forgotten about them. This summer, I will be babysitting 8 class plants and 3 fish.

Oh yeah and I'm a chaperone on the ninth grade field trip to Lagoon. Yay.

..."ohh yeeahh"

I am aware that I may be a bit late in the game on this whole blogging thing. It's 20 days until the end of this school year. But I guess I can start here and see what happens. Here's an overview:

-I teach
-Not for the money or recognition apparently
-I have two periods of 7th grade Art and four periods of 9th grade English
-It's incredibly amazing how totally different 7th and 9th graders are
-My students keep me young
-They make me laugh
-They make me really insanely angry and frustrated
-But there is never a dull moment. I take that back, the fourth time reading "The Lottery" in one day can be a bit dull.
-I am a newbie. Just finishing up my second year.

I think that gets up to the moment. I must admit though, I called in a sub today. I needed a mental health day. That and someone brought in the flu two weeks ago and I have yet to recover from it. So I took a day away from snotty noses. I also work at Red Lobster on the weekends but usually only on Saturdays. This week, however, I was scheduled on Sunday because of Mother's Day and I just can't work Sundays and go right back to school on Mondays. I don't feel like I got a weekend at all. Here is the problem with subs though...They are great, I appreciate substitutes more than I can possibly say because they have a tough job. But a day with a substitute usually means I come back to this.."Miss H, you shouldn't have the assignment due because it was really too hard and we couldn't figure it out." "Miss H, no one worked on the assignment, can it be due tomorrow?" "Miss H, that sub was weird." "Miss H, did the sub say we were bad?" And usually, the room is a mess and no one has finished the assignment and they all complain about the sub. Oh well, you just have to decide if it's worth the risk sometimes and this time I decided it was.

We are starting Fahrenheit 451 and I have no idea where to begin. I have spent the past two hours researching ideas and help for teaching the novel and still don't know where to begin. I am this way at the beginning of every single unit. You would think I would have it down by now. But I do spend a large amount of my time thinking, "What AM I doing?" I worry about ruining their educational experience for life. I worry about teaching them things they really don't need or not being clear enough on the things they do. I worry about wasting their time. I worry about doing the wrong thing. It, meaning teaching, does not come with an instruction guide. You go through your college courses and your student teaching and then you get hired and they say, "Ok, well here's your classroom, you're teaching English 1st, 3rd, 6th, and 7th, Art you've got 4th and 5th. Good luck! Oh yeah and don't forget to teach persuasive writing, they have a test on that at the end of the year." That's it. And you walk into the middle of your new classroom and think, "Ok. Great. Wait...what?" I have discovered though, that I am not very organized. And that's a big problem. And when I try to get organized, I make everything really confusing for myself. And I am really good at making to do lists. Just not very good at crossing things off of them. Weeks later I find my list and think, "Oh yeah. Did I ever get around to making that rubric for next week? I forgot about that."

Which reminds me..."Oh Yeah" is the catch phrase of ninth grade. When I think of ninth graders, I think of "Oh Yeah" or more accurately, "Ohh Yeeahh." Example: "Miss H, what's the Love Connection worksheet?" "It's the Romeo and Juliet worksheet that says Love Connection on the top of it." "Ohh Yeeahh." "Miss H, can I use the hall pass?" "Sure, do you have one of the paper passes I handed out at the beginning of the term?" "Ohh Yeeahh." "What page are we on?" I point to the board where it is written in big, green marker. "Ohh Yeeahh." "I didn't know that the Writer's Notebooks were due today." "Well, it's been written on the board right above your DOL for two weeks now and I have reminded you every day for the past week." "Ohh Yeeahh." You get my point.

I'm more than a teacher though too. I'm an artist. I'm working on my own illuminated/illustrated alphabet. I'm up to the letter G. I make art journals. Most of this ends up being done during class though. I like to work on art stuff while my art students are working on art stuff. They like it too. I find their motivation for art projects is higher if I am working on projects too. I am a server at the Dead Lobster. This satisfies my need to adult interaction and spending money. And believe it or not, sometimes the restaurant industry rivals seventh graders as far as drama is concerned. I just got out of a long relationship and am moving downtown Salt Lake City at the end of the month. So I'm newly single. Which is still weird. I am a voracious reader. Although, lately my tastes tend toward the young adult end of things. Professional curiosity. Plus, then I know if they are cheating on book reports. I'm reading that Fablehaven series right now. It's all the rage second to the Twilight series, which incidentally I have not read and don't intend to. I sat through seventeen oral book reports on Twilight, I got it. How do I find time to read anything besides persuasive essays, you may wonder? I take long baths every night. With a glass of wine and a book. Usually, I spend the summer reading adult books and the school year reading young adult books. There are some really good YA books out there though. Don't knock it til you try it. Plus, my kids love it when I can discuss their favorite books with them. I got into a discussion recently with one student about the believability of the world that exists in Garth Nix's Abhorsen series. We agreed that it's very interesting but that we would not want it to really exist. I guess that's enough for an introduction. It's 8:18. I need to make my lunch for tomorrow and figure out how the hell I am going to introduce this novel and take a bath. Hopefully this works out for me.

Testing...

Hello.